While agency is about acting on the controllables in our life, acceptance is acknowledging the things we cannot control – truly comprehending “what is” in all its vicissitudes and inherent challenges. Acceptance moves beyond denial and rejection to recognising the vulnerability and difficulty of the human condition.
Acceptance is not about enduring a toxic situation or ignoring inevitable disappointments or frustrations. Unlike complacency, acceptance does not mean avoiding responsibility or putting up with mediocrity or tolerating unacceptable behaviour. According to Ben Crowe, acceptance is “the portal to improvement” because it is owning up to our mistakes, identifying things that we could have controlled in a situation and avoiding the tendency to blame others or abdicate responsibility.
Ben contends that there is serenity to be found in “the bridge between agency and acceptance”. When confronted with an unpalatable situation we can choose to accept it (if we can’t do anything about it), attempt to change it (if there is some creative option) or leave the situation. Serenity is achieved when we accept what we can’t change or exercise the courage required to change the things that are within our control, however difficult this might be.
Ben likens acceptance to a boundary, similar to the boundaries we employ in life to protect ourselves, our interests and our welfare. It serves as a boundary in that we finally say “no” to things we cannot control and move past resentment, anger and frustration over hurts, slights, or mistreatment. We move on with our life rather than being obsessed with regrets about the past that can sap our energy and lead to depression.
Once we acknowledge that life is difficult, we can accept the reality of our lives, whether that involves chronic illness, financial difficulty or other harsh circumstances. Through acceptance of “what is’ – the reality of the difficulty of life – we can move forward and find creative solutions to our situation. Being stuck in the “why me syndrome” can only exacerbate our difficulties as we “stew” over our circumstances, and this inevitably leads to inertia.
Ben highlights his work with WHO (World Health Organisation) during the COVID Pandemic as his greatest challenge in terms of helping people involved to “decipher agency and acceptance and distinguish the controllables from the uncontrollables”. The life and death situation and the stresses on professional staff (who cared so much) to find a solution (a vaccine), brought the concept of “perspective” into clearer light for him and the WHO staff. His assignment with WHO at the time of the Pandemic had been precipitated by his ABC Conversation podcast when he talked about his role as Ash Barty’s “mindset coach” (Ash was playing Wimbeldon at the time, while he was grounded because of the Pandemic).
Self-Acceptance – the foundation for acceptance of life’s difficulties
Self-acceptance is an antidote to perfectionism and the pressure of expectations (both our own and that of others). It is underpinned by self-belief which together with self-acceptance is foundational to self-confidence.
I’ve found self-acceptance challenging during my early pickleball games because of my physical limitations associated with exercise asthma, arthritis, multi-level spinal degeneration and swollen ankles from allergies. As a former “A” Grade tennis player, I expected that I would win more points than I would lose at Pickleball. However, like Ash Barty, I’ve had to avoid confusing my persona (as a quality tennis player) with myself as a person (pickleball is only what I do now, my mistakes and results do not define me as a person).
As Ben suggests, I have had to focus on the process rather than the outcomes – “simply to compete, have fun and play”. To this end, I have chosen to play intermediate recreational pickleball, rather than intermediate competitive. I still have to challenge expectations (my own and that of others) as I acquire skills in playing pickleball.
We can move towards self-acceptance and self-love by showing ourselves self-compassion which builds resilience, quietens the inner critic and ultimately has the power to transform us. Ben suggests that we can create an “acceptance list” detailing what we need to accept about ourselves. He also offers a number of “acceptance statements” that other people have used to build their own self-acceptance. The one that I prefer is as follows:
I’m imperfect and that’s okay [self-acceptance], as I’m also original [self-compassion].
Appreciation – gratitude for what we have and can do
Ben maintains that appreciation and acceptance “form a powerful pair” – we have to learn to accept the things that we don’t appreciate in our life while being grateful for what we value about our life. This positive focus overcomes envy and a deficit mentality. The associated perspective shift enables us to celebrate milestones and be thankful for the people and things around us that contribute to our quality of life. We can more readily savour what we have and what we experience – the small things in life, our unconscious mind, life itself, our children, our achievements and rewards and our friends.
Ben suggests that one of the simplest ways to achieve this perspective shift is to substitute “get to” for “got to”. Instead of “I’ve got to” take my daughter to the doctor, we could say “I get to” take my daughter to the doctor (and thus contribute to her good health and spend quality time with her travelling to and from the clinic).
Engaging in loving-kindness meditation can be a form of gratitude if we focus on the people in our life who are close to us and have helped us throughout our life. Loving kindness meditation incorporating kindness towards ourself and gratitude can generate equanimity and be a strong support in times of difficulty.
Reflection
Pressure and expectations are a reality of everyday life and we each experience them to different degrees at different points in our lives. As we grow in mindfulness through adopting mindfulness practices, we can gain insight into our inner landscape (or what Jon Kabat-Zinn calls “mindscape”). By focusing on process rather than outcomes and practicing loving kindness meditation towards ourself, we can quieten the inner critic, enhance self-awareness and free ourselves from the tyranny of expectations. In this way, we can enjoy greater personal freedom and live a more fulfilling life.
_________________________________
By Ron Passfield – Copyright (Creative Commons license, Attribution–Non Commercial–No Derivatives)
Disclosure: If you purchase a product through this site, I may earn a commission which will help to pay for the site, the associated Meetup group, and the resources to support the blog.
