Dealing with Loss and Grief

Previously I have written about the power of storytelling to manage grief.  I drew on the writing of Dr. Annie Brewster and Nick Cave.  Annie published her groundbreaking book, The Healing Power of Storytelling, to share her own story and that of others who have experienced loss, trauma or serious chronic illness.

In his book, Faith, Hope & Carnage, Nick demonstrates how his storytelling through his writing, documentary and his creative endeavours (songwriting, recording and performing) provided him with growth and transformation and enabled him to manage his grief with the loss of his 15 year old son, Arthur. 

Even before his son’s death, Nick felt a strong need for social connection and so he created the website, Red Hand Files, to give his fans an avenue to communicate with him by asking questions of him.  The resultant Red Hand Files moved from a superficial exchange re his songs and their origins to a deeply personal storytelling exchange that Nick described as an “exercise in communal vulnerability and transparency”. 

Nick maintains that that through the Red Hand Files his past debilitating filters ‘have been dismantled over time” and wonder and awe have been restored in his life.  He indicates that the experience of the Red Hand Files, involving mutual storytelling, has enabled him to slowly develop self-awareness and transparency by “prising” him open – moving him to progressively disclose himself and the depth of his feelings.  He asserts that the process of such mutual vulnerability caused him to change as a person, songwriter and performer.

Nick’s interviewer for his book, Sean O’Hagan, comments that the letters people wrote to Nick as part of the Red Hand Files were very powerful in transforming people’s lives and served to fulfill their need for connection “by articulating their particular story for somebody else to hear”.  The online files enabled people to reach out and find a way to voice their own grief.  Tiffany Barton’s story is an illustration of the power of such sharing through storytelling.

Tiffany Barton’s story of loss and grief

Tiffany recently shared her story of loss and grief, and her healing interaction with Nick, in her story, “Into My Arms”, in The Weekend Australian Magazine, June 10-11 (pp.15-19).  Tiffany lost her 22 year old, gifted son, Cosmo, through suicide.  It is only after his death that she began to realise that Cosmo showed signs of being on the autism spectrum.   For example, he had a phenomenal memory, being able to recite the 230 digits of Pi.  He was also readily able to memorise Mozart, Beethoven and Haydn when learning music and performing.

Cosmo had a totally absorbing passion for the fortepiano, an instrument like a piano but based on instruments developed before 1930 (and differing from the modern piano in tone, touch and appearance).  Cosmo was mesmerized by the fortepiano often talking passionately about its history, mechanics and technique and developing a unique skill in tuning the instrument.  His passion led him to study the fortepiano at the Western Australia Academy of Performing Arts (WAAPA) where he hoped to eventually complete a PhD.  His last performance on the fortepiano was described by Tiffany as “a stunning final concert at WAAPA”.  Cosmo suffered terribly from sclerosis which led him to seek relief from a drug purchased online, that ultimately led to his death.

In her article, Tiffany describes her grief as being “like a mosquito smashed on the window of a ten-tonne truck”.  She drew on Nick’s words to describe the “vastness” of grief, reducing us to “trembling clusters of atoms subsumed within grief’s awesome presence”.   Tiffany became aware of Nick’s writings on grief through his Red Hand Files and was particularly moved by his “Letter to Cynthia” that he turned into a song.  She wrote a poem “young death” about the night Cosmo died which helped her “purge some of the trauma and change” she carried.

Tiffany reached out to Nick by writing a letter to him and including her poem. Nick was incredibly moved by Tiffany’s courage and clarity in articulating her grief and asked her permission to publish her letter and poem in his Faith, Hope & Carnage book (which he duly did).  He also asked her to record them for his audiobook.

Nick subsequently contacted Tiffany and spoke in his usual “patient” and “loving” way.  Besides checking-in on her welfare, he inquired about her meditation practice.  She explained that she uses meditation to communicate with Cosmo.  In her discussion with Nick she spoke of Cosmo’s drug use and the impact of intergenerational trauma on her family.  Tiffany explained that Nick’s ability to articulate his “grief, loss, love, art and spiritual awakening” in his book soothed her and “offered her respite from her horror”.

Reflection

Nick found that there was “freedom in grief” and indicated that the words of Kris Kristofferson song, Bobby McGee, resonated with him – “Freedom’s just another word for nothin’ left to lose”.  Nick came to reconcile with the reality of the human condition and the “acute jeopardy of life”.    He strongly urges us to appreciate all aspects of our life and savour “the time we have together in this world”.

It’s in facing our challenging emotions that we can break free of their hold over us and realise true freedom.  Storytelling and sharing with others can open us up to the depths of our feelings and release us from the hold of our own expectations and those of others.  As we grow in mindfulness through openness, curiosity and non-judgmental attention, we can deepen our self-awareness and develop the courage to share our story of loss and grief for our own healing and transformation. 

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Image by Lars Barstad from Pixabay

By Ron Passfield – Copyright (Creative Commons license, Attribution–Non Commercial–No Derivatives)

Disclosure: If you purchase a product through this site, I may earn a commission which will help to pay for the site, the associated Meetup group, and the resources to support the blog.

Managing Grief through Storytelling

Dr. Annie Brewster, M.D. describes the power of storytelling for healing and recovery from illness, injury or loss in her book, The Healing Power of Storytelling: Using Personal Narrative to Navigate Illness, Trauma and Loss.   She stresses the need to develop a new “narrative identity” after receiving a life-changing medical diagnosis.  Annie provides an online avenue for people to share their stories of health challenges and recovery in her Health Story Collaborative which is dedicated to enabling people to heal through the therapeutic power of storytelling and a supportive social network.

In her book, Annie highlights the need to make the storytelling authentic – not just a recounting of events but also exposure of the nature and intensity of accompanying emotions.  This means being open about our feelings even those such as resentment that we might be embarrassed about.  It is in identifying and facing our difficult feelings that we can gain release from their hold on us.  Annie stresses that it is not the medium of storytelling that matters, any form will can have a healing effect – video, audio, song, poem, letter or blog post.

Storytelling can be a powerful process for managing grief  after the loss of a partner or child.  Bruce Feiler stresses the need to change our “story narrative” when encountering such “lifequakes” – we have to change our linear mindset about life’s progression and allow for regression that can occur at any time.  In his book, Life is in the Transitions: Mastering Change at any Age, he offers strategies, including storytelling, to reframe and reshape our lives in the event of personal loss.  To assist this process of rebuilding, Bruce offers an online resource in the form of the Life Story Online Interview.

Nick Cave’s Story of grief

In his book, Faith, Hope and Carnage, developed through intimate interviews with Sean O’Hagan, Nick discusses his inner life – his creativity, challenges, loss, grief and guilt.  His storytelling in the book and his music provides a catalyst for healing, growth and transformation.  Nick and his wife Susie were devastated by the death of their 15 year old son, Arthur, in 2015.  He described the initial grief reaction of Susie and himself as a “kind of zombification” – “a kind of morbid worshipping of an absence”.

Nick indicated that there was a real danger in such grief reflected in “a reluctance to move beyond the trauma” – because the lost person resides there and that is where meaning is initially found.  He indicated that he experienced simultaneously being caught up in the “commonality of human suffering” and experiencing a deep sense of aloneness – a maddening and “extreme paradox”.  Nick stressed the physicality of grief describing grief as “pounding through my body with an audible roar”, accompanied by “despair bursting through the tips of my fingers”.  He also felt this “violent electricity” in the hand of his wife.  He indicated that both he and Susie were “unreachable” at the time, despite the very best intentions of other people.

Nick indicated that on the advice of a friend, he undertook a form of somatic healing.  He started the session lying down in a “euphoric” state.  Before long, he was consumed by rage and his body bucked and vibrated from the intensity of the feeling.  He observed that “you never really know what you are carrying around in you”.   Bessel van der Kolk reminds us that The Body Keeps the Score in his landmark book on “the brain and the body in the transformation of trauma”.

Nick’s son died while he was recording a new album, Skeleton Tree, with his Bad Seeds band members. Nick found it extremely difficult to tour to promote the album but a friend, New Zealand-born director Andrew Dominik, offered to produce a documentary along with release of the album.  The documentary, One More Time with Feeling, enabled Nick to tell his story of the trauma and grief he experienced on the death of his son.  On release of the album, the Guardian described it as “a masterpiece of love and devastation” and it debuted at #1 on the Australian Aria charts.

Over time, “fragments of light” were experienced by Susie and Nick amongst the incredible darkness of grief.  They were gradually able to see that people cared and that in this care and kindness lay recovery.  The healing influence of social support was brought home to Nick when he undertook his Skeleton Tree Tour in January 2017.  Nick indicated that he was depleted, exhausted and depressed before the tour and some of his band members were experiencing personal challenges too.   Collectively, they started the tour with “trepidation” because of their lack of energy while consumed by sadness.  However, Nick found that performing his songs (and story) on stage was “restorative” because of the “force field of the audience’s concern and awareness and love”.  Storytelling through the power of his songs became a source of healing and a way to manage his grief.

Nick indicated that  the “lifequake” of his son’s death brought home to him that suffering is the gateway to deep personal change, transition and transformation.    Suffering, especially grief, forces you to redefine yourself and to seek out a new meaning for your life and adopt a new perspective on what is important.

Compassionate action through grief

Grief can energise individuals to take compassionate action, e.g. the legislative reform actions for backpackers initiated by Rosie Ayliffe on the murder of her 21 year old daughter – a story told in her book, Far From Home.  Likewise, Nick was motivated to establish a website, Red Hand Files in 2018 where his fans could ask questions and seek answers from him.  The website transformed from a “Q & A” type activity to what Nick describes as an “exercise in communal vulnerability and transparency” and a “life-changing, soul-enriching exercise in commonality and togetherness”.  People who write to Nick via the website are able to share their stories and seek his comments and reassurance.  He readily participates in this mutual story telling and story-sharing.

Grief can flow from many types of losses.  It may be that a child loses their way and their personality through illicit drug use or end up in prison as a result of some criminal activity.  It may be, too, that a son or daughter chooses to change gender roles.  A recent post on the Red Hand Files highlights the associated sense of loss and grief of a parent when this occurs.  Nick’s sensitive response to this story highlights his understanding of loss and grief.  He talks of a parent’s sense of a loss of control and ,even worse, “a profound understanding that we never had control of them [our children] in the first place”.   Nick suggested that the greatest sacrifice a parent can make is to “let go”.  He appreciated that the parent and their offspring were able to find a “common bond” in his songs and readily agreed to the request to play O Children in Minnesota, dedicated to “Claude” as the newly named offspring.

Reflection

Storytelling can take many forms and lead to healing from grief – sharing the story adds another dimension in that it enables others to heal also. Nick talks about his songs being “a force” that “can make people better” or help them in some other way.  Storytelling involves transparency, personal disclosure and risk but the returns are health, healing and recovery.

As we grow in mindfulness and self-awareness, we can embrace our new reality after a loss and restore our sense of beauty and goodness in the world. 

There are many resources to help us deal with grief and trauma.  One of these is Dr. Bonnie Badenoch’s online course, Trauma and the Embodied Brain.

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Image by un-perfekt from Pixabay

By Ron Passfield – Copyright (Creative Commons license, Attribution–Non Commercial–No Derivatives)

Disclosure: If you purchase a product through this site, I may earn a commission which will help to pay for the website and resources to support the blog.

Tina Turner’s Approach to Mindfulness

Allyson Pimentel, psychologist and meditation practitioner/teacher,  fittingly provides a meditation podcast titled, The Mindfulness Teachings of Tina Turner.   Allyson describes mindfulness as “a way of attending to your life as it unfolds” while bringing to this awareness an attitude of “openness, friendliness, and kindness” without judgment.  Associated with this, is a willingness “to be with things as they are”.

She maintains that the goal in practising meditation is not to master the art of meditation itself but to lead better lives day-to-day though our groundedness, compassion and wisdom.  We do this so that we can become “a force for good” in our family, in our work, in our community and in our daily interactions.  Allyson maintains that Tina Turner, who died at the age of 83 in May 2023, exemplified this broader goal and drew on mindfulness practices to be a positive influence in people’s lives.  Allyson viewed Tina as a personal hero who, in her view, embodied kindness, love, wisdom, resilience and creative talent.

Tina’s approach to personal transformation

In her book, Happiness Becomes You: A Guide to Changing Your Life for Good, Tina explains her Buddhist approach and how she turned her life around after multiple “lifequakes” that threatened to derail her singing career and harm her mental wellbeing.  She explains in-depth that chanting enabled her to overcome adversity, develop resilience and realise happiness in her life.  Her ability to commune with nature from an early age enabled her to find her true home within, despite the turbulence and torment of her outer world.  Besides the vibrational energy and groundedness of chanting, Tina drew on the teachings of Nichiren Buddhism to transform and reframe her life.

Tina explains that this Buddhist approach, that places emphasis on engagement and social activism helped her to move beyond her comfort zone, to appreciate the connectedness of everything, to value diversity in nature and cultures and participate actively in the Beyond Music Project designed to use music as a way to respect and celebrate cultural diversity.

Tina saw experiencing adversity as a way to shape ourselves and build our resilience – in her words, adversity is not a bad thing in itself, it is how we use it that really matters.  She contended that adversity could build character, self-awareness, insight and a stronger sense of connection.  This perception aligns with the tenets of mindfulness that reinforce the view that while we have little in our life that we can control, we can control our response to what happens to us as well as around us.  Mitra Manesh in her podcast on responsibility contends that mindfulness builds our ability to respond to adversity and setbacks – she describes this outcome of mindfulness practice as developing our “response-ability”.

Tina explained in her book that all of life shapes us – the good, the bad and the ugly.  We become our transformed selves through the richness and diversity of our life experiences and by developing a constructive, creative and energetic response to whatever occurs.  She maintained in her eighties that she had no regrets – she had lived her life to the full, positively impacted numerous people all over the world and experienced deep happiness.

Reflection

Tina demonstrated in her life, music and her writing that as we grow in mindfulness we can overcome adversity, develop resilience, enrich our creativity and build the courage and sense of connectedness to take compassionate action.  Her life and music provide an invaluable legacy and a “ripple effect” that has the power to inspire others  to work to create a better world.

In her guided meditation podcast, Allyson draws on Tina’s core teachings to help us explore our connection with nature, the influence of our ancestors, our own legacy, and our present moment awareness.

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Image by Kanenori from Pixabay

By Ron Passfield – Copyright (Creative Commons license, Attribution–Non Commercial–No Derivatives)

Disclosure: If you purchase a product through this site, I may earn a commission which will help to pay for the site, the associated Meetup group, and the resources to support the blog.

A  Reflection on Writing the Grow Mindfulness Blog

This reflection was stimulated by Haruki Murakami’s book, Novelist As A Vocation, in which he shares his origins as a writer, his approach to writing and some of the challenges he has had to deal with along the way.  The ideas he shares resonate strongly with my own experience of writing this blog, even though this is not a novel but a very different writing genre.  The fact that the blog involves creativity and the art of writing provides the common ground to explore Murakami’s experience and ideas.

The creative stimulus

Murakami begins a novel with a basic story that evolves as he introduces his characters – he explains, “In most cases, the characters who appear in my novels naturally emerge from the flow of my story”.  The stimulus for his story is something he has observed happening, specific behaviours of an individual or an incident in his own life.   Like Charles Dickens, he is a keen observer of behaviour –    he maintains that the stimulus for a story comes from glancing at a person’s appearance, “how they talk and act, their special characteristics”.  He notes, too, that it is not enough just to notice people that you like – you also need to notice those you dislike and try to understand why you feel this way about them.

Like Murakami, my stimulus for a blog post is typically an interaction that I have had, a behaviour I have observed in my organisational consulting/manager development work, a current experience that I am having or something I have read or heard.  I often draw inspiration for a blog post from listening to a podcast, reading an article, or participating in a Summit or Conference.  I typically focus on current issues such as Long Covid, trauma, mental health and working from home – all the time exploring the linkages with mindfulness and mindfulness practices.

The role of characters/ stimulators

Interestingly, Murakami maintains that he does not start out with a highly developed character or group of characters.  He contends that characters emerge as he begins to write and becomes captured by the creative process that he enjoys immensely.  He goes so far as to say that “characters take on a life of their own”, even leading the novelist to an “unexpected destination”.

I can relate to these comments about characters by substituting the concept of the “stimulator” – the author, podcaster, interviewee or presenter who stimulates my creative endeavour to write a blog post about their ideas, actions or perspectives.  As the blog post emerges through my writing, the line of discussion or argument can take an unexpected turn as I often start out without a firm idea of where a blog post will end up.  For example, in my latest blog post I wrote about nurture by nature and stewardship of nature in our immediate environment and ended up where I least expected.

When I started out writing, these two aspects (nurture and stewardship) were discrete elements in my mind and that of the “stimulator”.  However, as I progressed with writing the post, I decided to add the ideas of Costa Georgiadis from his book, Costa’s World, as a way of reinforcing the message of the reciprocal relationship with nature – nurture and stewardship.  However, through Costa’s influence, I ended up changing my perspective and began to understand that by stewarding nature we are simultaneously opening ourselves up to nurturing by nature (e.g. restoration of peace and calm, stimulation of wonder and awe).  I came to understand that nurture and stewardship are not necessarily discrete activities (although they may be in certain circumstances).  Costa’s World is the bible for my current composting and gardening activities.

Drawing on stored memories

Murakami states that the characters he employs in his novel are not real people (and definitely not himself) but represent an amalgam of characters drawn from stored memories of people, experiences and places.  He weaves elements of different people into any one character to give them life and meaning in the context of what he is writing about.  He may draw directly on his own experience relevant to the topic but it is often well disguised.

When I write a blog post, I draw on my stored memory of what I have written previously (not just my current blog) and books/novels/memoirs I have read that reinforce some aspect of what I am writing about (or, alternatively that put forward a contrary view).  The blog post then tends to take on a life of its own and can arrive at a different place to what I intended at the outset.  Sometimes I will even incorporate poetry or songs (especially mantra meditations) if they add to, or reinforce, the overall message – there are many occasions, synchronistically, where a song I am listening to reinforces where I am up to in writing a blog post (I typically listen to mantra meditations as I write).  Examples of this are Alexa Chellun’s Healing Song and Metamorphosis by Lulu & Mischka.

Criticism and compliments

Murakami discusses one lesson that he has learnt as a professional writer – no matter what he writes or how long it is, someone will criticise his work.  He concluded that it was best to ignore these adverse comments and just “write what I want to write, in the way I want to write it”.  I can concur in this view because there is no way that you can please everyone.  This approach creates a unique sense of freedom (unlike the constrictions of academic writing!).

Murakami also noted that “people of different age groups” seem to be reading his novels – e.g. parents encourage children to read his books (or vice versa).  Compliments from people acknowledge the difference that his writing has made in their lives and hearing these comments “really cheers him up”.  I too really appreciate the compliment when people comment positively on my blog posts and/or seek a link to what they are working on that is relevant to the topic of my post.

Gestation and the creative process

Murakami adopts the discipline of daily writing because this enables creativity to flow.  He also employs a daily fitness routine which includes running (and sometimes marathons) – he maintains that you have to be fit to write for extended periods and physical activity stimulates the brain. 

Gestation for my blog posts begins with reading (e.g. Tina Turner’s book), listening to a podcast (e.g. Life Through Transitions by Jon DeWaal) or watching a video (e.g. the video interview with Susan Bolt).  I usually take notes and record any connections with something else I have written or remember – this enables me to expand my thinking beyond the original stimulus (and the stimulator’s perspective).   Typically, I will let my subconscious mind work on the topic overnight and begin afresh the next morning (being a “morning person”, I write best in the early mornings). I find that this gestation process usually leads to the emergence of a structure for my blog post and unearthing of connections that I had not previously thought of – these connections become “top-of-mind” rather than staying submerged.  I also try to keep fit through walking, Tai Chi and physical exercises designed to redress my spinal degeneration

Reflection

Murakami maintains that each person has to find their own style of writing, whether they are writing a novel, an essay or a short story.  The same is true of writing a blog – the writer’s life experience and perspectives, as well as the focus of the blog, influence the nature and structure of the writing process.

As I reflect on my life and my reading/listening/viewing, I am able to grow in mindfulness.  Like Murakami, I can attain a deeper level of self-awareness and new perspectives while enhancing my capacity to think and write.  Examples of my growing sense of self-awareness include my discussion of resentment and blind spots.

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Image by Cindy Lever from Pixabay

By Ron Passfield – Copyright (Creative Commons license, Attribution–Non Commercial–No Derivatives)

Disclosure: If you purchase a product through this site, I may earn a commission which will help to pay for the site, the associated Meetup group, and the resources to support the blog.