In a previous post I discussed how mindfulness can be an effective antidote to narcissism, both in curbing our own narcissistic tendencies and managing the aftermath of a relationship with a narcissistic boss or intimate partner. I also highlighted the work of Rick Hanson who promotes healthy confidence to achieve an effective balance between needing to be seen as superior and developing a grounded but strong sense of self. Rick pursues this dilemma in his podcast titled, Confidence or Narcissism? One of our challenges in developing healthy confidence is to find effective role models – many of our leaders in government, business and sport have failed to resolve this dilemma in their public lives.
Superior conceit displayed by sports stars – defective role models
In the earlier blog post, I shared Bonnie Duran’s perspective on narcissism where she relates it to the Buddhist concept of superior conceit – the need to be “better than” or “superior to”. Bonnie explains superior conceit in one of her podcast talks titled, Conceit and Latent Torments.
There are many instances of elite sportsmen and sportswomen displaying superior conceit and related narcissistic behaviour. For example, narcissistic behaviours have been exhibited by international tennis stars who:
- Abuse chair umpires and line umpires
- Throw their racquets in disgust or anger and/or throw tantrums on the tennis court if things don’t go their way
- Demonstrate a total lack of empathy or concern for the feelings of others
- Boast about how much they have earned from tennis and their total asset worth (as if their financial resources are a measure of their personal worth)
- Show a lack of respect for their opponents and/or tennis fans
- Seek to win at any cost, even if this means cheating or bullying others.
Ash Barty – an effective role model for healthy confidence
Ash Barty has achieved more in one year (2019) than most tennis players (male or female) achieve in a lifetime. She reached World Number 1 ranking in June 2019 (and held it at the end of the year) and won the French Open, the Birmingham Classic, the Miami Open, and the WTA Women’s Finals – Shenzhen (after being runner-up at the China Open). Ash was the winner of a tour-topping 52 matches.
On top of these achievements, she has been awarded (in 2019) the Don Award (by Sport Australia Hall of Fame), the Women’s Health Sportswoman of the Year, and the ITP Fed Cup Heart Award (for outstanding courage and distinctive representation & commitment). The individual Don Award is for an Australian athlete “who, by their achievements and example over the last 12 months, are considered to have the capacity to most inspire the nation”. These awards recognise that in so many ways Ash is a role model, not only for sportspeople but all of us who aspire to achieve “healthy confidence” and its attendant rewards. Her status as a role model for other Indigenous women had been recognised in 2018 when she was named Australia’s first National Indigenous Tennis Ambassador.
Ash demonstrates healthy confidence through the following traits:
- Resilience in the face of adversity and setbacks
- Recognition of the need to take time out to achieve a better balance in her life and master self-management (she spent 18 months playing state-level cricket)
- Respect for tennis opponents, officials and fans (a trait that is widely acknowledged and appreciated)
- Empathy and compassion for others
- Authenticity and humility
- Amazing capacity to focus and sustain her concentration
- Valuing and publicly recognising her support team.
Ash readily acknowledges the profound contribution of her mentor and mindset coach, Ben Crowe, in shaping her outstanding success. Ben observed that, in addition to the abovementioned traits, Ash demonstrates the following characteristics:
- Acknowledges that there is strength in vulnerability, rather than needing to claim or pursue perfection
- Recognises that she can “write her own story”, not accept habituated, negative self-stories
- Has the ability to let go of the things she cannot control while maintaining focus on what is under her control
- Does not let tennis define who she is, but pursues her true self and values depth of character
- Is prepared to put in the hard work to achieve continuous self-improvement and excellence.
His insightful and revealing explanation of the underlying philosophy that he has been able to impart to Ash explains why she is an exemplar of healthy confidence.
One of the problems for us in trying to develop our own healthy confidence is that bad behaviour has dominated the attention of mainstream media, whereas Ash’s exemplary behaviour has been buried under the controversy associated with narcissistic behaviour displayed by some international tennis players. Kate O’Halloran, writing for the ABC, expressed the hope that Ash’s French Open win will turn the spotlight more on “an exemplary sportswoman whose respected demeanour and success” has failed to attract the media attention that it deserves.
There are some very profound lessons for us in the philosophy and behaviour of Ash Barty and some ideas about how we might develop our own healthy confidence. However, we should be careful of joining the chorus to criticise the narcissistic behaviour of individual international sports stars while indulging in narcissistic tendencies ourselves.
We can ask ourselves when the last time was that we made a point of highlighting our qualifications or the nature and breadth of our experience when meeting someone for the first time? When did we attempt to outdo someone else’s story (about the drama we experienced, the places we have seen or the achievements we have realised)? How often do we interrupt others’ conversations to focus attention on ourselves? When have we thought that our car/house/dress attire is better than that of someone else’s? Do we ever measure our personal worth in terms of the assets we have or the importance of our job? As we grow in mindfulness, we can become progressively more aware of our own narcissistic tendencies and begin to develop a healthy confidence and deep sense of our real self.
Image by Alexas_Fotos from Pixabay
By Ron Passfield – Copyright (Creative Commons license, Attribution–Non Commercial–No Derivatives)
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