mindset – Grow Mindfulness

Perspective Shifts: From Darkness to Illumination

Ben Crowe, world leading mindset coach, has published his philosophy and perspective changing concepts in his book, Where The Light Gets In: Simple, playful and profound perspective shifts to change your life. Ben has worked with elite athletes such as Ash Barty and Andre Agassi as well as large corporations. While the principles espoused in his book are not new, what he does uniquely is to interlink the underlying concepts, highlight their interplay and illustrate them with stories of his experiences in working with clients to put them into practice. His book is illuminating – he even has a final chapter on “illumination” to summarise his principles.

Overcoming the pressure of expectations

Ben’s book is replete with wisdom and engaging stories that readers can readily relate to. He places special emphasis on the pressure generated by expectations – both our own and those of others (which we often assume to exist without any evidence). He counsels us to detach from expectations if we are to achieve freedom in our life. Besides recommending removal of the word “expectations” from our vocabulary, he offers three core strategies to achieve this detachment – replace expectations with (1) appreciation, (2) experimentation and (3) dedication.

Ben argues that appreciation reflected in gratitude is a “potent perspective shifter”. Gratitude creates awareness about what we do have and what is possible – it opens up insight into possible creative, alternative solutions and is a powerful antidote to the corrosive influence of expectations. I have often expressed gratitude when playing sport, instead of focusing on the chronic illnesses that negatively impact my quality of life and impede the realisation of my full sporting capabilities.
Ben encourages experimentation because when you experiment, “you are in the play state not the fear state”. We can build up expertise as we go. The process of experimentation enables us to fearlessly draw on prior knowledge and experience, even accessing experiences acquired in an entirely different arena. When I switched from playing tennis to pickleball, I made a conscious choice to experiment with new shots, drawing on knowledge and skills acquired through other racquet sports. So now I can use skills I have acquired over many years through playing tennis, squash, table tennis and badminton. I worked out recently that I can play more than 650 different shots (using any of my 7 spins across 6 basic strokes; using either forehand or backhand; left hand or right hand; and playing the ball down the backhand side, the forehand side, the middle of the court or cross-court). Recently I expressed my appreciation for this aspect of playing pickleball – “experimenting with new shots and ways to improve each time I play – a great source of learning!”
Ben strongly encourages employing dedication as a way to replace expectations, especially our own expectations. He suggests that this approach works because when you dedicate your performance to a person who has contributed to your knowledge and skill, “you let go of ego and fear because it’s no longer about you”. I have been avoiding the writing a book on action learning but now that I have decided to dedicate an e-book on the topic to my seriously ill co-author, Julie Cork, I have experienced a release of the fear that “it will not be good enough” and feel motivated to resume writing the book (currently in draft form).

The role of mindfulness in managing expectations

In his discussion of the pressure of expectations, Ben mentioned that the Richmond AFL club had engaged Emma Murray to conduct a mindfulness program for the club. He maintained that mindfulness can be a powerful tool to release the pressure of expectations, particularly if we can combine “accepting and letting go of the uncontrollable and focusing all our attention on controllables”.

Ben argued that what we can control is “intention, effort and mindset”. He suggests that the two major distractions we experience to draw us away from our focus on the controllables are The Double O’s – outcome expectations and others’ expectations. If we tie our self-worth to outcomes, we will be caught up in a sea of emotional disturbance and lose focus. Ben points out that we cannot control outcomes as there are too many variables impacting outcomes over which we have no control. He recommends adopting the mindset of one coach – “I don’t mind what happens”. I found this approach very freeing and energising in a recent game of pickleball (Intermediate Recreational level). Ben also points to some wise advice about outcomes expectations – “let go of winning or losing and let the game be your teacher”.

Phillip Moffitt argues that we can be enslaved by our expectations that can force a degree of rigidity in our life. We cannot control others’ expectations and often have limited control over outcomes. Yet expectations play heavily on our mind – expectations about parenting, managing, performing in sport, punctuality, and every aspect of our daily life. Phillip suggests that ways to free ourselves from the “tyranny of expectations”, and release our creativity, include “look for possibilities” rather than a predetermined result, “expect to stumble” and “live in the now”. Ben argues that it is about “human-being” not “human-doing” – a key mindset change developed through mindfulness.

Reflection

I found Ben Crowe’s book, Where The Light Gets In, highly relatable in multiple ways. So much of his philosophy and concepts resonate with me and many aspects of these have been the subject of my writing in this blog. The ups and downs of Richmond AFL football club and its key figures are central to a lot of Ben’s discussion and examples – I was born in East Melbourne, lived in Richmond until I was five years old and followed Richmond as a fan for many years.

Ben states that his understanding of the power of words and their impact on people’s lives was first achieved through his schooling at the Carmelite’s Whitefriars College in Donvale Victoria – I was a member of the Carmelite Order for five years and lived and studied for four years at the Whitefriars seminary located on the same property as the school.

Ben draws heavily on mindfulness and its power to shift our “inner landscape” – he places considerable emphasis on being present with “non-judgmental awareness of thoughts and emotions”. He explicitly alludes to the definition of mindfulness by Jon Kabat-Zinn and references the work of George Mumford in bringing mindfulness to mainstream sport. Ben points out that as we grow in mindfulness through mindfulness practices such as mindful breathing, meditation and visualisation, we can achieve authenticity, focus, calmness, and confidence, and realise “the best version of ourself” no matter what our arena of activity is.

I had previously read Ash Barty’s memoir, My Dream Time: A Memoir of Tennis & Teamwork – A Grand Slam Champion’s Journey from Anxiety to World #1 and Joy. Through Ash’s story I had been exposed to Ben Crowe’s influence on her mindset and career. Throughout her book, Ash reiterates his fundamental philosophy and identifies how he helped her achieve her outstanding results. Ash’s story, in turn, has been a source of inspiration for me and my own sporting journey while experiencing multiple chronic illnesses.

In the epigraph to his book, Ben quotes the chorus from Leonard Cohen’s song, Anthem, which incorporates “ring the bells” and “how the light gets in”. Ben’s book resonates with me so strongly – it’s as if bells are ringing in my head like church bells ringing in the New Year. Ben argues that Illumination occurs when we come to understand that the things that we can control are our processes, our own expectations, our anchoring in the present, our intrinsic motivations and our response to our past and its impacts on our life. His “perspective shifts” reflect this focus on the “controllables” versus the “uncontrollables” – a strong underlying theme in this blog.

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Image by Tom from Pixabay

By Ron Passfield – Copyright (Creative Commons license, Attribution–Non Commercial–No Derivatives)

Disclosure: If you purchase a product through this site, I may earn a commission which will help to pay for the site, the associated Meetup group, and the resources to support the blog.

Time as Metaphor

George Lakoff and Mark Turner point out in their book, More Than Cool Reason: A Field Guide to Poetic Metaphor, that we “deal with time metaphorically”, just as we do with other abstract concepts such as life and death. In a previous post, I discussed how a metaphor itself shapes our perceptions and world view and how poetry can enable us to change metaphors and break frames. Time metaphors are pervasive in our everyday language and expose how we view time.

Time metaphors

In this current post, I discuss several time metaphors and explore ways to break free of the constraints in thinking and feeling that they elicit:

If only I had more time

The desire for “more time” is fraught with difficulty because “time” is finite in the sense that we only live one lifetime (normally, up to 100 years). The saying suggests that we could do “more of the same, without reflecting on how we use our time”. We need to review how we spend our time, e.g. in watching TV, sleeping, going to the movies, talking, spreading rumours, playing video games, engaging with social media, feasting on the news. We can treat time as an endless commodity to be drawn on at will or view it as something that is finite and valuable. We can waste time or fritter it away because we have not learned to value what time represents – our chance to learn, grow, contribute and support. There is more to time than meets the eye.

Killing time

This is a way of saying: I need to use time up because I have too much time. It suggests that we are bored, have nothing positive or productive to do. This is an opportunity to savour the freedom of boredom. We are consumed by the need to be doing things all the time, to fill in time with activity. The emphasis on “doing” instead of “being” creates its own stresses. Boredom can be freeing in that it motivates us to be more creative in how we spend our time – the work that we do, our leisure choices, our creative pursuits, developing relationships, our mindfulness practices. Arlie Russell Hochschild suggests that our need to be busy creates a Time Bind that means we are caught up in an obsessive need to fill in time with activity. In the workplace, we have to be seen to be busy – what Christine Jackman describes as “performative busyness”.

Running out of time

This expression often refers to an impending deadline, one that is externally imposed or self-created. We can review the external deadlines in terms of importance and necessity and, where possible, negotiate a change in timeline. Self-imposed timelines are time- traps of our own creation. We can review them and question why we have created them – are they the product of limiting self-beliefs, a need to please, or a need to achieve? In reviewing our self-imposed deadlines, we can ask ourselves, “How necessary are they?” “How could they be changed/adjusted?” By way of example, when I started out writing this blog, I set myself the goal of daily blog posts. This became unsustainable when I started co-facilitating manager-development programs across the State. On the advice of my mentor, I changed my goal to two or three posts a week. I have subsequently adjusted my timeline again to reflect my desire to write a series of e-books based on this blog. I now aim to write two 1,000 word posts per month, along with updating my archive page. Adjusting our self-imposed deadlines for changed circumstances becomes essential if we are to avoid creating unnecessary stress.

Wasting time

We often hear the expression, “That’s a waste of time” or “Stop wasting time”. The emphasis on waste is a recognition that time is a finite resource for our life here on earth. Unfortunately, we spend so much time either thinking about the past or worrying about the future – catalysts for depression and anxiety. Jake Bailey reminds us too that we can spend so much time on looking forward to tomorrow (and live in expectation of what it has to offer) that we lose sight of the present. Elisha Goldstein in his book, The Now Effect, reminds us that being mindful of the present moment can change our life. Richard Carlson and Joseph Bailey reinforce this message in their book, Slowing Down to the Speed of Life. They maintain that we speed up our lives when we live in the past, engage in self-judging or become overly-analytical of our daily life and its related problems. They argue that the benefits of slowing down to the present moment (rather than racing ahead) include improving our health and relationships, enjoying more peace and equanimity, reducing our stress and strengthening our focus and capacity to be productive.

Time metaphors and chronic illness

Jennifer Crystal – writer, educator and author of One Tick Stopped the Clock – has written about the different perceptions of time and mindsets by people experiencing chronic illness and those close to people suffering from chronic illness. In a blog post, The Time-Warp of Tick-Borne Illness, she discusses time metaphors in the context of her own experience of tick-borne chronic Lyme Disease.

Jennifer points out that we typically have a different relationship to time (and different time metaphors) at the various stages of our life. As children, time does not move fast enough; as we become aged, we want time to slow down. When people experience chronic illness, different time metaphors come into play.

Jennifer notes that she lost so much time through illness which delayed her degree graduation, her relationships and job/life plans. For her during this period of chronic illness and a subsequent relapse, time moved too fast. She felt an urgency to catch up with time. However, her recovery depended on her slowing down and spending time on self-care. Despite the feeling of having a lot of catching up to do, Jennifer has had to move at her own pace to achieve her goals in her own time and to avoid further major relapses.

Jennifer noted that perceptions of time can be so very different for the well in comparison to the chronically ill. The former often wish for the free time that they see as the province of the chronically ill (time to lie around and read or watch TV). What they don’t realise is that the chronically ill person often does not have the energy or pain-free experience to enjoy these envied activities. Jennifer maintains that each side (the healthy and the chronically ill) need to develop an understanding of the perspective and experience of the other. Even the healthy person experiences stressors and pain in this fast-paced world.

Reflection

In this post, I have concentrated on several time metaphors that can constrain our perception and mindset. However, there are time metaphors that have positive connotations or that promote proactivity, such as a stitch in time saves nine.

In the March Creative Meetup, an online support group for writers-with-chronic-illness, Jennifer shared her blog post and offered two time-related writing prompts:

How has your relationship to time changed with your illness?
Imagine yourself springing forward or backward to a future or past moment in your life. Write a letter to your future or former self from your current self.

As we grow in mindfulness through reflection and other mindfulness practices, we can gain self-awareness about our own time metaphors and find creative ways to break the frames that constrain our thinking and mindset.

I developed the following poem while reflecting on time metaphors:

Time Metaphors

Time doesn’t wait,
it marches on.

We waste time when
killing time,
living for tomorrow,
buying our time,
waiting for the right time.

We express time regrets when we say
if only I had more time,
I have too much time on my hands,
time is going too fast,
if only I had my time over again.

We express frustration with time when we say
where has all the time gone?
I can’t wait till tomorrow comes,
I’ve run out of time,
I’m caught in the trap of time.

Time is restless, relentless, resilient, resourceful.

Time is opportunity
to learn, grow and create,
to care for self and others,
to be in the present moment,
to experience wonder and awe.

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Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay

By Ron Passfield – Copyright (Creative Commons license, Attribution–Non Commercial–No Derivatives)

Disclosure: If you purchase a product through this site, I may earn a commission which will help to pay for the site, the associated Meetup group, and the resources to support the blog.

Poetry – Blending Opposites and Breaking Frames

Rosemerry Wahtola Trommer is the author of a poem-a-day as well as a dozen books of poetry. Her daily poems can be accessed through her blog, A Hundred Falling Veils. Her latest books of poetry – All the Honey and The Unfolding – were written after the death of her son and that of her father three months later. Her son took his own life and Rosemerry’s grief expressed in her poems is palpable. Rosemerry describes writing poetry as a mindfulness practice that has helped her manage her grief and an abiding sadness

Poetry – “a dance of opposites”

What is particularly distinctive about her poetry is the blending of opposites – pain and joy, sadness and wonder. Rosemerry considers poetry as “a dance of opposites”. She maintains that poetry gives expression to opposites. This process enables her to hold two conflicting feelings at the same time. Writing poetry helps her to rise above her sorrow – to be able to admire beauty and peace amidst pain and loss.

Her focus on what is good in her life enables her to manage the personal devastations that she has experienced. While she gives full voice to her grief, her poetry expresses her gratitude and appreciation for the beauty and goodness that surrounds her daily. She is able, through her poetry, to be fully present to what is – the good, the bad and the ugly.

Rosemerry asks the question, “How do we show up for these oppositional feelings?” such as grief and joy. Her discussions cover not only feelings but also perceptions and mindsets. In an interview about her book, The Unfolding, she tells the story of how she used to make assumptions about Ford car owners and their likely voting preferences. To challenge this perception and mindset, she purchased a Ford car herself and found that by reaching across the mental divide she was able to perceive some commonality with other such owners.

As I was listening, I recalled that I had developed a mindset about Mercedes owners, assuming they were thoughtless, constantly obsessed with “time is money” and caring little for other people’s needs. Then two things happened – my wife and I were looking at buying a Mercedes ourselves (it was the best option available at the time to meet our needs) and a thoughtful Mercedes driver let me into a busy line of traffic. These experiences challenged my perception and mindset. Rosemerry asserts that poetry can also do this by helping us to take an alternative view and look at oppositional perceptions and mindsets.

Poetry: changing metaphors and breaking frames

In a TEDx Talk, Rosemerry spoke of the need to change metaphors if we are to accommodate oppositional thinking. In her presentation, she quotes linguist George Lakoff who writes in his book, Don’t Think of an Elephant!: Know Your Values and Frame the Debate, that “one of the fundamental findings of the cognitive sciences is that we think in terms of frames and metaphors”. Neuroscience has identified the physical manifestation of this phenomenon in the form of neurocircuitry.

Rosemerry asserts that the use of metaphors is universal, employed in every language throughout the world, to enable us “to understand our world, our ideas and our emotions”. She suggests that we just listen to, and carefully observe, everyday language, which is replete with metaphors, e.g. “the time is ripe”, “fell like a dead tree”, “he has a heart of gold”.

She explains that behind each metaphor we use is a “conceptual frame” that shapes our perception of the world and our situation in it. The frame allows a particular perception and interpretation and excludes other explanations – it constrains our freedom to explore alternative ideas. Rosemerry gives the example of a constraining metaphor that occurred for her following the rejection of one her manuscripts and the acceptance of someone else’s. She describes how the “envy metaphor” took over her thinking – she engaged in an endless comparison with the other person, inflating their positives and exaggerating her own negativities. After a while, she began to realize that the envy metaphor did not serve her well but limited her perception of options. Her comparisons with the other person were grossly distorted.

Rosemerry found that she had to find another metaphor to frame her situation to enable her to move forward, rather than wallow in her disappointment and resentment. What helped her on this occasion was her tendency to push her metaphoric story to absurd limits – a form of reductio ad absurdum (Latin for “reduction to absurdity’}, e.g. she began to think that the other writer was a “better gardener” who had “greener fingers” – an analogy way beyond the writing competence of her perceived competitor.

How to change metaphors and break mental frames

In her TEDx Talk, Rosemerry offered a number of suggestions of how we might change our metaphor that is not working for us in a particular situation. Her first offering might prove to be “too far-fetched” for some people but she offered it nonetheless. In this approach she suggests that you choose an object (any object} and you ask the object a number of questions, e.g. “What can you teach me today?”, “What is your purpose?” This imagined interaction can lead to the identification of an alternative metaphor that may work in your new situation.

Rosemerry also offers a second approach to metaphor change and frame breaking. For this approach, she draws on the work of a friend who suggested that you take a line of poetry and change the words and ideas expressed in that poem. By way of example she quoted a line from an Emily Dickinson’s poem, Hope is the thing with feathers that perches in the soul. Rosemerry suggested that you use this line (or any other line of poetry} as a jumping off point to explore a new metaphor or frame of reference. She offers some possible changes to the line such as persistence is the bindweed that pushes through the pavement.

Putting forth alternative lines opens up the possibility of identifying new metaphors or frames of reference that can create the freedom to think differently, to break through the constraints of an existing frame of reference. Rosemerry maintains that the changed metaphor can enable you “to see the world in ways that you have never seen the world before” – this can be truly freeing and provide the opportunity to develop new perspectives and identify different options to address your situation. She asks, “How might it [the new metaphor] change the way you approach your day?”

Reflection

I took a line about hope from Anne Frank’s book, The Diary of a Young Girl, and changed it to read, Where there is hope there is exploration and openness, not closure. At the time I was dealing with another psychotic episode suffered by my adult son. This helped me to replace a “despair metaphor” with a “hope metaphor” – it helped me to see alternative outcomes and the possibility of healing. The process of reframing led me to develop the following poem where “he” became “we” and opened up a new understanding, as well as allowed space for hope:

Hope is Opening

He has been elevated again.
Why does he consume things that are harmful to himself and others?

Turning the mirror on myself,
why do I consume foods that are harmful to myself and others?

What are we seeking?
Is it an escape from boredom and the sense of exclusion?
Is it a search for companionship and connection?

Where there is hope, there is exploration of new pathways,
there resides openness and the end of closure.

If we grow in mindfulness through mindfulness practises such as spending time in nature, conscious breathing and reflection, we can become more aware of own constraining metaphors and find creative ways to change our metaphors and break our imprisoning frames.

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Image by Loi Tran from Pixabay

By Ron Passfield – Copyright (Creative Commons license, Attribution–Non Commercial–No Derivatives)

Disclosure: If you purchase a product through this site, I may earn a commission which will help to pay for the site, the associated Meetup group, and the resources to support the blog.

Managing Adversity with Mindfulness

Mary Fowler recently published a memoir, Bloom: Creating a life I love, that covers the period from her teens to early adulthood. Mary is considered one of the brightest female talents in soccer in Australia. In 2018, when under 16 years of age, she was the fifth youngest soccer player to represent Australia. Since then she has gone on to represent Australia in soccer on 64 occasions, scoring 16 goals.

The highs

Mary had been selected to represent Australia at the 2019 FIFA Women’s World Cup but owing to a hamstring injury was unable to play. She had always dreamed of being an Olympian and, although a gifted long-distance runner, chose soccer as her sport to excel in. The highpoint of her soccer career, in her own words, was being chosen in the Australian team for the 2020 Summer Olympics in Tokyo. She scored a goal in extra time in Australia’s quarter final win over Great Britain.

Mary was elated to be chosen in the Matilda’s team for the home-based 2023 FIFA Women’s World Cup. With the loss of team captain, Sam Kerr, through injury, Mary’s role in the team increased significantly. She scored her first World Cup goal against Canada and was instrumental in the win over Denmark in the Round of 16 game.

In her memoir, Mary recounts the lead-up and successful execution of a penalty goal in the penalty shoot-out against France in the quarter final. She expressed appreciation for her coach’s extensive pre-game practice of taking penalties in a shoot-out, including the line-up at halfway, the slow progression to the penalty spot and the elation on scoring against the goalie. After her World Cup performance, Mary was chosen to represent Australia at the 2024 Summer Olympics in Paris.

The Lows

Throughout her soccer career and much of her early life, Mary was plagued by negative self-thoughts – questioning whether she was good enough, looked good enough or was a good person. Her low self-esteem was frequently aggravated by social media messaging that reinforced her negative self-image. With the sudden advent of fame, Mary’s social media following expanded dramatically and so did the “haters” and belittlers (which only fed her negative view of herself). Wisely, a close friend advised her to stop responding to the online “haters” and spend her efforts commenting on messages from supporters who sought to acknowledge her skills and achievements and wanted her to do well.

In her memoir, Mary describes her period at Montpellier Football Club as her lowest point. She joined the club on her 17^th birthday and spent three years with the club (2020-2022). In her early period there she spent a lot of time on the bench. She was very conscious that being the youngest player in the team, she lacked the experience of the other players. However, she felt acutely the status differential between the “starters” and the “benched” players – the latter sometimes being totally ignored by the coach.

Mary found that as the team suffered a series of losses, conflict within the team grew. She was challenged for the amount of time she spent in the gym, as if she was contributing to their losses by trying to improve her fitness and overall stamina. She also felt keenly the divide within the team between the French players and the “internationals”, the later considered of a lower value.

Mary’s mixed race (Irish and Papua New Guinean) had always been a source of low self-esteem and differentiation by others. These feelings of inferiority were compounded when she finished up at Montpellier. Players leaving the team were given flowers at the end of the of their tenure whereas Mary and her close friend (two of only six black players in the team) were given bananas. She didn’t know whether this was an intentional slight or just a consequence of an accidental series of events.

Mary, who valued her creativity in playing soccer, had offered suggestions on ways to improve the team’s play but had been told by the Montpellier coach to “do what you are told”. This frustration of her creativity was another source of dissatisfaction for her. However, her experience was the opposite when she played with the Australian team as coach Tony Gustavsson encouraged her to be adventurous. Mary found, too, that the move from “striker” to “wing” reduced the pressure on her to score but enabled her to provide plenty of “goal-assists” and become a real team player.

Mary reached an absolute low point during her time with the Montpellier soccer team. She describes cutting herself and engaging in other forms of self-harm, ultimately leading to thoughts of suicide. She also lost her love of the game and thought seriously about giving up the sport (to the point of planning her “retirement”). What helped Mary recover was the very strong support of close friends and family, together with therapy. In her memoir, Mary strongly encourages people who are not coping to reach out for help and therapy if needed. She argues that, like her, people who are stressed have to get past feelings of vulnerability and be willing to share their feelings and concerns with others. Mary learnt that being vulnerable with friends actually deepened her relationships.

As Mary’s fame grew, so too did the pressures on her. She could not go out to do shopping without people recognising her and seeking “selfies” and autographs. She had to deal with increased performance expectations from her friends, fans, team mates and coaches. Negative social media commentary intensified. An additional pressure was the invasion of privacy, particularly in relation to her emerging relationship with Nathan Cleary (who was famous in his own right).

Managing adversity with mindfulness

Mary turned to a series of mindfulness practices to help her restore calm and balance to her life and provide her with the mental clarity and stamina to manage the stresses in her life.

Mary found the strength to go on and pursue what proved to be a stunning international career, as well as eventual success with the Manchester City English Premier League team (2022 till now). She drew on a range of mindfulness practices to help her manage the downside of her career as an elite athlete and to achieve her potential:

Journalling – Mary had been journalling since she was a child but found new commitment and energy for journalling as she progressed in her career and had to deal with the pressures of international fame. Journalling enabled her to deal with the unpredictable and daily challenges. She also found that journalling helped her to get in touch with her feelings, which she tended to hide from others and herself. It provided her with a different perspective on issues and served to challenge her negative thinking about herself.
Positive Affirmations – Mary had to deal with constant negative self-talk that told her she was “not good enough” in many ways. She turned to daily recitation of affirmations to reinforce what was good in her life and was good and positive about herself. Danette May argues that affirmations can replace unconscious negative thoughts with reinforcement of what is good in ourselves. This change in focus (from negative to positive thinking) can alter our mindset and reality.
Drawing nurture from nature – spending time in nature played a major role in Mary’s life and, in her memoir, she acknowledges the role of nature in providing her with calm, new insights, energy and a source of awe and wonder. While in Montpellier she undertook daily mountain walks with her brother to absorb the peace and tranquility of nature. In her memoir chapter on “Stop & smell the flowers” (Chapter 8), Mary explains how she began an intentional practice of stopping to admire a flower, closely observing its colours and textures, and smelling its aroma. This became a habituated practice and extended to stopping to observe any animals along her path (such as birds and possums). She experienced excitement and a warm glow from these animal encounters. Mary often spoke of the Moon as a personal source of stability, energy and positive self-affirmation. Mary’s discussion of her encounters with nature and her slow, observant walking resonates with a mindful walking approach to developing mindfulness.
Reframing goals – Mary was an obsessive goal-setter. She had goals for when she would get pregnant, get married, own her own home and many other things in her life and career. Her goals had set times for achievement. While this aided her outcome focus, it eventually created undue stress through self-created time-pressures and left no room for the vicissitudes of life (such as sporting injuries) that can prevent or delay goal achievement. In a discussion with her “bestie” at the time, Mary decided that she would set “targets” instead of “goals”, removing the constraining effect of detailed timelines.
Expressing gratitude – Mary discovered the power of gratitude to offset negative feelings. Like Kim Armstrong, she found that daily gratitude practice builds resilience, overcomes resentment and envy, and develops a positive mindset. In the final analysis, expressing gratitude helps us “to get in touch with ourselves”. Mary found that routinely expressing gratitude helped her manage the downside of her soccer injuries – times on the sidelines from concussion, an ACL injury and hamstring injury.
Present moment awareness – Mary consciously sought to be in the “present moment” whether playing competitive soccer or being with friends and family. She was strongly influenced by a book, The Power of Now, written by meditation teacher, Eckhart Tolle. She routinely practised meditation to develop this present moment awareness. Mary found that through this mindfulness practice, she began to savour the small things in her life.
Mindset change – Mary had publicly stated that she wanted to be the “best in the world” as an international soccer player. After a period of reflection on how self-limiting this goal can be (she pursued it at the expense of her relationships with friends and the opportunities for fun and new adventures), she changed her target to “be the best that I can be”. This change in mindset freed her from obsessive practice, a sole focus on soccer and a tendency to envy the success of others. Instead, she developed better as a team player, savouring the success of others.

Reflection

Mary Fowler experienced some great highs and some serious lows. Her negative self-talk contributed to many of her lows. However, by turning to mindfulness practices she discovered that as she grew in mindfulness she developed resilience, changed her mindset, increased her happiness, savoured the small things in life, developed a positive self-image and increased her capacity to deal with the stressors in her life.

In her memoir; Mary states that she has now achieved a high level of happiness; increased her tools for managing challenges; and developed sound, close friendships that support her daily. By using a range of mindfulness practices, she has developed a toolkit to address mental health issues as they arise and to draw on the positive energy that surrounds her.

Throughout her memoir, Mary provides several reflection questions that are relevant to the discussion in each chapter. She offers reflection questions such as:

What does success mean to you?
What positive things have occurred for you during the day/week?
What are you genuinely grateful for?

These questions can provide a rich source of reflection and insights and can serve as journalling prompts. The discussion that precedes these reflective questions provides a basis for challenging our own mindset and identifying ways to enhance our own life and happiness.

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Image by Lori Dunn from Pixabay

By Ron Passfield – Copyright (Creative Commons license, Attribution–Non Commercial–No Derivatives)

Disclosure: If you purchase a product through this site, I may earn a commission which will help to pay for the site, the associated Meetup group, and the resources to support the blog.

Discovering Pickleball – An Alternative to Tennis

I never thought I would be writing a post that elevates pickleball to a similar level as tennis. As a “tennis tragic” I thought that pickleball was not the “real thing” as it is played on a court the same size as badminton and is promoted as a mix of this sport together with table tennis and tennis. It clearly hasn’t the depth of traditions of tennis and the great battles of the Grand Slams and Davis Cup matches. My disparagement of pickleball was shared by many in my tennis fraternity.

Necessity is the stimulus for innovation and a mind shift

I found as winter progressed again in Brisbane that the arthritis in the middle finger of my playing hand had worsened to the point that I had difficulty holding my tennis racquet and playing tennis caused a lot of pain. Added to this, was the ever-present threat of exercise asthma caused by exertion in the cold air (I take a couple of puffs of my inhaler before playing to prevent an asthma attack occurring).

The arthritis in my finger makes it difficult to execute my tennis shots with any consistency to the point that the attraction of experiencing competence in the game of tennis is diminished considerably and is replaced by frustration at not being able to execute what I have been able to do previously without difficulty. The arthritic condition of my finger is aggravated by “allergic arthritis” brought on by my MCAS chronic illness.

I have not been able to use my first serve in tennis for a number of years as it puts too much pressure on my weakened back. A recent diagnosis of multilevel disc degeneration in my spine has made this even more critical.

Ageing and pickleball

As I age, I lose speed in my reflexes, stamina in my body, strength in my arms and legs and overall fitness. While I use walking, stretch exercises and Tai Chi to offset these diminishing physical capabilities, there is an inevitability about the downward trend owing to wear and tear over many years.

The experts in ageing tell us that we can prevent the onset of dementia by physical and mental activity, especially by learning new skills that involve a cognitive component. For tennis players, pickleball requires a new language (paddle instead of racquet, dink instead of a drop shot) as well as new rules. New rules to learn for pickleball doubles include:

You have to be serving to earn a point
With the exception of the first serve of a game, once one server (Server 1) loses a point, their partner (Server 2) starts serving until they lose a point (then serving reverts to the opposing team)
For the first serve of the first game, the first server is treated as Server 2 and once they lose a point, the serve immediately reverts to the opposing team (this can be difficult to get your head around!)
You are not allowed to volley in the “Kitchen” (an area seven feet from the net which exists on both sides of the net).
You have to serve underarm
Double bounce rule – the server must let the return bounce before hitting the ball (unlike tennis where you can volley a service return).

While there are competitions and international tournaments dedicated to young pickleball players, there are distinct advantages of pickleball for older people. These advantages include:

It is not as physically demanding as tennis
There is a strong social element to the game (if you do not play competition)
There are protocols for frequent rest breaks/drink breaks
The rotation system enables at least an eleven-minute break (the length of a game) when your time off the court arrives
You can take advantage of your competencies in other racquet sports acquired over the years
The Kitchen rules re volleying “keeps the athletically and physically superior from dominating the game”
It helps to maintain fitness and the motivation to keep fit
The underarm service action places a lot less pressure on your back in comparison to the overhead motion of a tennis serve. (This has proved important for me as a recent diagnosis of neuropathy led to the discovery of multilevel disc degeneration in my spine.)
Provides a chance to meet new people and extend your social network
It can be played at various levels ranging from social to Advanced (competitive and tournament play); “social” means social. As one Pickleball trainer/coordinator explained – in social pickleball you are meant to play to the level of the opposition (e.g. withholding more advanced shots when playing beginners) – an ethos rarely shared in social tennis.

Using pre-existing skills and competencies

One of the attractions for me in pickleball (being a new arena for me) is the opportunity to try out different shots each time I play. Unlike a tennis racquet, the pickleball paddle does not have strings and the ball comes off the paddle differently to a tennis racquet. While you may have competencies in spinning, volleying, lobbying and smashing from playing tennis, you have to make adjustments when using a pickleball paddle with a plastic ball.

The bounce of the ball is very different and requires a lot of knee bending. However, the challenges associated with a new “bat” and ball make it necessary to make adjustments to playing shots and to learn new skills.

Existing tennis skills such as anticipation and preparation can stand you in good stead when playing pickleball. You can also draw on different spins you have mastered such as topspin, backspin and slice. For those who have mastered the two-handed backhand in tennis, there are pickleball bats with an extended grip to enable two-handed shots.

Competency in devising game strategy is transferable from tennis to pickleball. For example, tennis drills designed to develop skills in controlling the net in tennis doubles can be drawn on when playing pickleball. This could involve drop shops (dinks), or playing the ball long, sliced or angled to place an opponent at a disadvantage. Other tennis drills associated with playing the ball down the line can come in handy in pickleball as very few people use (or able to use) this strategy in social pickleball.

Reflection

In a previous post I explained how tennis can help us to grow in mindfulness by developing our focus on the present moment, improving our capacity to pay attention, increasing our ability to act with intention and strengthening our resolve to “accept what is” (both our mental and physical capabilities at the time and those of our playing partner and opponents). Likewise, pickleball can provide growth in mindfulness as a rich fringe benefit, especially when we play socially and choose, on purpose, to play at the level of our opponents.

I have also shared how I have found that Tai Chi, as a regular mindfulness practice, can develop tennis competence by improving concentration, coordination, reflexes and the ability to tap into heightened insight and instinctive responses embodied in body memory. I’m discovering that this is true also of pickleball as I unconsciously access tennis skills developed over many years of tennis practice and playing.

In reflecting previously on my tennis game and skill, I wrote a poem called, For the Love of Tennis. Reflecting on my discussion of pickleball, I have now developed an Ode to Pickleball titled, For the love of Pickleball.

For the Love of Pickleball

Pickleball can be playful and fun:
Accessing our childlike creativity,
Building partner relationships.

It can promote growth:
Learning a new language, rules and skills,
Growing in mindfulness and sensitivity.

It can develop competence:
Using new tools in different ways,
Experiencing joy in execution.

It can enhance fitness:
Using new muscles,
Increasing motivation to stay fit.

Pickleball for quality of life and longevity:
Learning, laughing and enriching,
Moving beyond limited mindsets.

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Image by Nils from Pixabay

By Ron Passfield- Copyright (Creative Commons license, Attribution-Non-Commercial -No Derivatives.

Disclosure: If you purchase a product through this site, I may earn a commission which will help to pay for the site, the associated Meetup group and the resources to support the blog.

The Benefits of Positive Beliefs About Aging

In a previous post, I discussed the pervasive impact of negative beliefs about aging. Highlighted in that discussion is the research evidence that negative age beliefs can impact every aspect of our aging process and our quality of life. In that discussion, I drew on the work of Dr. Becca Levy, a pioneer in the area of successful aging and a world-renowned researcher and Yale Professor. In her book, Breaking the Age Code: How Your Beliefs About Aging Will Determine How Long and Well You Live, she contends that it is critical that we address ageism in our society both as individuals and as a collective.

Becca has a section in the book where she identifies the widespread influence of ageism and calls for “an end to structural ageism” in education, Governmental systems, medicine, mental health, advertising and media, science and the arts. Ageism prevents people from effectively adapting to the aging process, from taking proactive action to maintain their quality of life, from achieving their potential both mentally and physically, and from realising the benefits that can accrue with age.

The benefits of positive beliefs about aging

In her book, Becca draws on her own research and that of researchers worldwide to demonstrate the numerous benefits of positive age beliefs and illustrates these benefits with stories of outstanding achievements by numerous people in multiple fields of endeavour. Ageism is based on the assumption that all people who are old experience decline in mental and physical capacity at the same rate and that this decline is inevitable. Becca’s research and stories of individual achievements demonstrate that each of us can arrest decline, or at least reduce the rate of decline, in our capabilities as we age. Our beliefs about aging are a key determinant of the choices we make and how long and well we live.

In providing research-based claims about the benefits of positive age beliefs, Becca identifies a number of findings that challenge prevailing myths about the aging process. Her research demonstrates the following benefits of this positivity:

Pattern recognition improves with age so much so that neuroscientist, Daniel Levitin, suggests that radiologists past 60-years old should be preferred to younger people for reading and interpreting X-Rays. Daniel is the author of the book, Successful Aging: A Neuroscientist Explores the Power and Potential of Our Lives.
Indigenous knowledge and memories held by elders in Indigenous communities that have been passed down in communities around the world to ensure the health and continuity of these communities such as in the Indigenous Australian culture. This aspect of Indigenous aging was documented by anthropologist Margaret Mead in her book, Culture and Commitment: A Study of the Generation Gap.
Functional health is enhanced by positive aging beliefs. Becca demonstrates that her research and that of her colleagues disprove the assumption of the “stereotype of debility and decline” as the natural outcome of the aging process. She draws on the example of Sister Madonna Buder, who at the age of 52 undertook her first triathlon with borrowed running shoes – now, at over 90 years old, she continues to compete and has completed in excess of 350 triathlons. Sister Madonna’s view of aging is that it represents “wisdom and grace” and “opportunity”.
Irreplaceable knowledge and understanding can accrue to anyone in a specialised field with experience developed as they age. Becca illustrates this by discussing the experience of a 75-year-old paediatrician called Jonas who had retired from clinical practice “when he was most skilled”. A young colleague asked him for his opinion on what was ailing a baby because he could not work it out. Jonas figured it out “right away”. His young colleague had an instant insight and asked, “Teach me Doc, how’d you do that?” Jonas now teaches “medical diagnosis” at a university and participates in group diagnoses of patients in a teaching hospital. Jonas’s career transition highlights the opportunity for older people to make a significant contribution to society even after retirement – all that it requires is a positive view of aging and a willingness to make adaptions in their career role. Jonas has also acquired new interests and hobbies such as cultivating rare orchards, French cooking, close-up photography and amateur aviation.
Mental health growth – during a placement at a psychiatric hospital, Becca found (contrary to her expectations) that more younger, adult patients suffered from mental illness than older patients and that the latter “can be successfully treated”. Her own research, confirmed by others around the world, also showed that age beliefs heavily impact the nature and quantity of stressors experienced psychosomatically. She found that positive age beliefs helped to mitigate the impact of stressors (even in PTSD cases), while negative age beliefs acted as a “barrier to mental health”.
Longevity – in a significant research study, Becca found that participants who held positive age beliefs “lived an average of 7.5 years longer” than those who held negative age beliefs. ` Other research has demonstrated that non-biological factors such as age beliefs (and social/cultural environments) “determine as much as 75% of our longevity”.
Creativity – contrary to the prevailing stereotype, “creativity often continues and even increases in later life”. Throughout the book, Becca mentions people who achieved “their most creative work at an older age”, e.g., Matisse, Hitchcock, Einstein, Picasso, Bernstein, Lerman and Dickens. She also noted that 65 is the average age of a Nobel Prize winner. Becca also reported the comment of actress Doris Roberts that actresses/actors “get better and better in their craft as they get older”. Michael Caine CBE is just one example. Starring in 160 films over 8 decades, he produced an outstanding performance at age 90 in his last film before retirement, The Great Escaper.

In the above discussion of the benefits of positive beliefs about aging, I have only “scratched the surface” of Becca’s research and findings. However, it is very clear that positive age beliefs can impact us in multiple, beneficial ways – opening up opportunity and the realisation of our true potential.

Reflection

I can relate to Jonas’s experience (recounted above) when applied to a recreational context rather than a professional one. I have continued to play social tennis in my late seventies and recently I played a half-volley, drop shot that left my much younger partner “gobsmacked”. He responded, “Wow, how did you do that? Can you teach me to do that shot?” At the time, I just shrugged but felt like saying:

I can’t teach you as I have never learnt to do that shot – it was purely instinctive, as I was caught “in no man’s land”. When you have achieved in tennis what I have done – played 10,000 sets of tennis over more than 60 years, practised Tai Chi for years (for balance and coordination), and spent numerous hours doing tennis drills – you, too, will be able to do instinctive tennis shots that surprise others (as well as yourself).

Becca’s comment that creativity can increase in later years also resonates strongly with me. I started this blog in 2016 (at the age of 70) and have now written more than 740 posts on this blog alone (my fifth blog). I have reduced my output from three posts per week to one post to enable space and time to conduct manager development workshops (hybrid mode) and to co-author a book with my colleague of 16 years (as our legacy to younger managers and organisational consultants). I am finding that connections and patterns come to me more rapidly and profusely as I read and write and I now write an average of 1,000 words per post (compared to the 300 words per post, I started with in 2016).

In her book, Becca recounts the comments of 69 year old creative dancer Liz Lerman who observed that as we grow old we “don’t need to make major life change to activate creativity’. In her view, “expanding our connections to people” can create life changes for us and spark renewed creativity. I have certainly found this with my active participation in the Creative Meetups hosted by the Health Story Collaborative.

Additionally, I am finding (in terms of creativity) that, as I age and reflect, I am writing more poems that are longer and more complex in structure and scope. In three days, inspired by Kim Rosen’s book Saved by a Poem, I have written three poems – previously I wrote four short poems over five years. One of my recent poems relates to the theme of this blog post and its predecessor about negative age beliefs:

Beliefs About Aging

To be positive, is to see opportunities

To be negative, is to deny potentiality.

Positive age beliefs open new horizons

Negative beliefs hold us captive and inert.

Positivity is openness to reality

Negativity is a closed mindset.

In being positive

Our full potential is possible.

With a grateful heart

I live my positive beliefs.

Reflecting and writing poetry enables us to grow in mindfulness. We come to realise that negative beliefs hold us back. Through mindfulness practices, we can grow in self-awareness, concentration, creativity and resourcefulness – we can become increasingly aware of what is around us each day and what it is possible to achieve.

Photo Credit: The photo incorporated in this post was by Steve Buissinne, aged 74, from South Africa. He joined Pixabay in 2014 and has had 556 photos accepted, 148 of which have been singled out as “Editor’s Choice” – a sign of excellence. His photos have been viewed 32.83 million times, resulting in 19.39 million downloads. Steve’s comment on his Pixabay site demonstrates his mindful awareness of the beauty that surrounds us:

Everything has beauty – photography teaches you to see it

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Image by Steve Buissinne from Pixabay

By Ron Passfield – Copyright (Creative Commons license, Attribution–Non Commercial–No Derivatives)

Disclosure: If you purchase a product through this site, I may earn a commission which will help to pay for the site and the resources to support the blog.

The Pervasive Impact of Negative Beliefs About Aging

Dr. Becca Levy, Yale professor and world leader in the psychology of aging successfully, has written a groundbreaking book that is brilliant in its conception and exhaustive in its research foundation. The book is titled Breaking the Age Code: How Your Beliefs About Aging Will Determine How Long and Well You Live. Becca draws on global research, undertaken by herself and colleagues in the field, to demonstrate that our age beliefs impact positively or negatively not only our physiology but also our mental health. Negative age belief, perpetuated through the media and our social environment, can lead to mental and physical ill-health and a diminished quality of life. In contrast, positive age beliefs can enable us to transcend the limitations of aging in terms of mental acuity, physical strength, flexibility and longevity. Becca draws on numerous stories of people from all walks of life – artists, musicians, actors, athletes, carers, and health professionals – to illustrate the very real impact of beliefs about aging.

How our negative aging beliefs are formed

Becca demonstrates the impact of nursery rhymes and cartoons on the early formation of our age beliefs. These typically negative portrayals of aging are further reinforced by social media, films, newspapers and everyday social conversations. The pervasive marketing of a desirable body image and associated cosmetic propaganda (a Trillion-Dollar industry), have served to embed a negative image of aging in our psyche. We now have “age-defying” skin treatments that remove wrinkles and make our skin glow, along with a pervasive negative stereotyping of menopause (loss of youthfulness, sexual drive, physical prowess and energy).

The impacts of negative age beliefs on institutions and individuals

The resultant negative age beliefs underpin the growth of ageism – “discrimination against older people because of negative and inaccurate stereotypes”. This discrimination is reflected in institutional bias, in interpersonal communications and relationships, and self-talk/limiting behaviours. Becca gives examples of institutional discrimination in employment, the acting and legal professions and hospital protocols. She explains that her research confirms that many health professionals have negative age beliefs and act on them. Our language in conversations can betray an ageist mindset, for example, when we talk about “having a senior moment” (Becca devotes a chapter to this phenomenon and highlights the amazing memory of deaf people and the role of memory in the oral transmission of indigenous knowledge).

The last mentioned arena of negative age beliefs, the intrapersonal, is difficult for an individual to realise and acknowledge. Becca surprised herself by her ageist mindset when she suffered an injury while running in a charity event. Despite her professional knowledge of aging, she immediately attributed the injury to her middle-aged body “succumbing – all too early – to the ravages of age”. She assumed that her running days had come to a “premature end”. It was only when her husband, a doctor, explained that she only had a “badly pulled muscle” that she was able to recognise and acknowledge the personal impact of her negative mindset about aging. Like many people, Becca was shocked that ageism was influencing her own thinking.

I can relate to Becca’s personal injury story. I was diagnosed with multilevel spinal degeneration, in part, as a result of playing tennis for more than 60 years, including many years at a competitive level. My doctor told me that I would have to give up tennis because the injury was the result of “wear and tear”. Initially, I put the degeneration down to aging (I was 76 years old at the time) and decided that my body was no longer able to cope with the rigours of tennis. For some reason, unknown to me, I decided to seek a second opinion. The second medical practitioner gave me a referral to an exercise physiologist who provided me with a series of progressively more challenging exercises over a period of six weeks. By the end of this period, I was able to return to playing tennis and have been doing so for six months (I play social tennis weekly at night). This brought home to me that a negative mindset about aging can actually prevent us from exploring and undertaking remedies for health issues. We can adopt a helpless frame of mind that impedes our chances of improving our health, physically and/or mentally.

Reflection

Becca reveals through her research and storytelling that our negative age beliefs can influence our behaviours, our ability to recover from illness and injury, our quality of life, and life span. It behoves us to become aware of the influence of ageism on us, to become conscious of our negative thought patterns and to be aware of our resultant limiting behaviours (including our willingness to seek ways of healing).

As we grow in mindfulness through reflection and mindfulness practices such as meditation, we can become more aware of our thought processes and their impact and develop increased self-awareness, including knowledge of our habituated behaviours. Tara Brach and Jack Kornfield teach us about The Power of Awareness developed through mindfulness meditation.

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Image by John Hain from Pixabay

By Ron Passfield – Copyright (Creative Commons license, Attribution–Non Commercial–No Derivatives)

Disclosure: If you purchase a product through this site, I may earn a commission which will help to pay for the site and the resources to support the blog.

Fearlessly Sharing Your Story: Jelena Dokic’s Exhortation

Jelena Dokic shared her story of paternal abuse in the second of her memoirs, Fearless: Finding the Power to Thrive. Her no holds barred account is disarmingly honest but replete with positivity and gratitude.

Jelena indicated that she first gave a glimpse of her family situation in an interview with journalist Jessica Halloran, who subsequently co-authored her two memoirs. The first memoir, Unbreakable, told of her challenges as a refugee from Yugoslavia, her life of poverty and the brutality of her father, Damir Dokic.

The first physical abuse she suffered at the hands of her father was when she was six years old. He slapped her hard in the face three times because she had laughed and joked with her tennis coach. In Damir’s view, tennis was not for enjoyment but sheer hard work that had to be taken seriously. Beyond that first abuse, she suffered continuous beatings as a teenager, especially when she lost a game. Jelena often played with bruises all over her body. On one occasion he beat her unconscious with a shoe.

Jelena highlighted in her memoirs the fear and physical suffering she experienced at the hands of her father. She explained in detail how his behaviour diminished her self-esteem and intensified her sense of shame. Despite her trauma from this physical abuse, Jelena became one of the greatest Australian female tennis players, reaching the rank of number 4 in the world in singles. She was noted for her nerve and fearlessness on court and her ability to fight back when behind in a match – a resilience born of combating her trauma.

The power of storytelling

Jelena discussed her personal battle with shame when trying to share her story. From the interview with Jessica to her Fearless memoir, she had progressively revealed more about her life and personal challenges. In the process she has become a very strong advocate for the healing power of storytelling. Jelena indicated that not only was she able to heal from her trauma through storytelling but she found that other people drew inspiration and healing from her personal battles and her capacity to rise above them.

Jelena used her memoirs to tell her story with increasing levels of disclosure. She found too that her book tours and public presentations enabled her to share more about her life and how she dealt with her trauma, which often left her feeling helpless, anxious, depressed and exhausted.

Jelena has continued to do public presentations to share her story and the positive value of her storytelling has been reinforced by the number of people who have expressed gratitude for her talks. She strongly advocates for people to share their stories of sexual abuse and domestic violence.

In Fearless, Jelena has a section on the “the power of story” and reinforces the positive changes that can accrue from narrative therapy (offered by her psychologist). She states that through storytelling she moved from a victim mindset to “survivor”. Her story suggests that she became a “victor”. Jelena continuously encourages people experiencing trauma to speak up:

I have said it many times in this book speaking up creates change, saves lives.

The healing effects of social support

In a section on “having the right people around you”, Jelena highlighted the importance of supportive people (social support) for the process of healing from trauma. Her earliest positive experience was being coached by Australian tennis great, Lesley Bowrey, who she described as a “no-nonsense, fair, tough coach with the warmest heart”. Jelena appreciated Lesley’s strong work ethic, a shared trait that was a source of mutual admiration.

Lesley showed kindness and an unshakeable belief in Jelena which became a profound source of happiness for her. While Lesley was her coach, she won the Junior US Open, reached World Number 1 Junior and won the Hoffman Cup with Mark Philippoussis

Jelena waxes lyrical about the unconditional support provided by Tod Woodbridge in her transition from tennis retirement to commentator. He had encouraged her to write the Unbreakable memoir and mentored her “tirelessly” about the process of commentating tennis matches.

Jelena also mentioned the very positive influence of her psychologist who helped her explore the impact of her trauma on her thoughts and behaviour and to challenge false beliefs about herself. Her psychologist supported her to progressively make changes in her life to initiate and sustain the healing process.

Reflection

The physical abuse Jelena experienced was demoralising and exhausting. Jelena showed tremendous courage to share her story, seek social support, work with a therapist and eventually overcome her fears and loss of self-esteem. She is now very much a role model for dealing with trauma and an encouragement to many people worldwide.

As we grow in mindfulness through our own efforts to increase our awareness of the impact of significant events in our life, we can develop deeper personal insight and the courage to take the actions necessary to achieve personal healing.

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Image by brian teh from Pixabay

By Ron Passfield – Copyright (Creative Commons license, Attribution–Non Commercial–No Derivatives)

Disclosure: If you purchase a product through this site, I may earn a commission which will help to pay for the site and the resources to support the blog.

Healing from Trauma

Oprah Winfrey and Bruce Perry address the issue of healing from trauma in their book, What Happened to You? In a chapter on Coping and Healing, they explore the impact of relational deficit in the early years of a child’s life; what neglect and parental conflict does to a child’s development, their worldview and their stress response; and the importance of an understanding, nurturing and patient carer/parent/therapist for healing to occur. In the process, they discuss, in depth, the nature of neglect, differences in the way individuals are impacted by trauma, behavioural manifestations of adverse childhood experiences, and the road to healing, including creating a new worldview.

This chapter of their book is very rich with stories, insights, principles and personal disclosure by Oprah – disclosures that are enriched by observations by Bruce on her life experiences. Oprah, herself, and the vast work that she does in the area of trauma healing, is an exemplar for coping with, and healing from, trauma. What she has learned through her own life experience and ongoing discussions with Bruce over many years, has led to her establishing the Oprah Winfrey Leadership Academy for Girls (OWLAG) in South Africa.

The emotional environment in early childhood

Bruce maintains that the quality of the emotional climate in early childhood impacts our worldview and our stress response. If there is stability, nurturing and predictability, our brains and our behaviour can develop. If the opposite exists, this has an adverse impact on our childhood development and our capacity as an adult to deal with challenges and stress. We can develop the mindset that we are not lovable or not worthy of people’s attention. Dr. Gabor Maté utilises a process he calls “compassionate inquiry” to unearth these negative self-stories – vestiges of an early life lived in an environment of neglect.

Bruce highlights the fact that different, deficit emotional environments can result in very different traumatic effects. He illustrates this point by an in-depth comparison of two boys who manifested their traumatic upbring in contrasting ways. His explanation shows clearly why one boy became fearful and aggressive while the other “had no feeling at all” and engaged in threats and thefts. His description of their respective adverse childhood experiences and their differentiated impacts brings into sharp focus the key role that quality relationships play in early childhood.

This discussion of the differences in personal development of the two boys led Bruce to assert that an important consideration is not only “what happened to you?” but also “what didn’t happen for you?” – in terms of the behaviour of a parent/carer who provides undivided attention (in lieu of distracted attention), gentle touch (rather than physical abuse), consistent nurturing (instead of an on/off approach) and regular reassurance (instead of a belittling attitude). Not only does the quality of relationships in early childhood impact brain development but also the development of social and motor skills. Bruce contends that “relationships are the key to healing from trauma” because trauma often results from deficient relationships.

An environment of conflict

Bruce notes that if you are a young child and you are in an environment of parental conflict, you have limited options. You are too young to flee and unable to fight as you are easily overpowered and may draw physical attacks from either or both parents. Often in this situation, a child will dissociate – retreat to their inner world. Dissociation becomes a problem when it is prolonged or becomes a habituated response to everyday challenges – this can lead to what is termed a dissociative disorder. I can relate to dissociation as a stress response as my parents had frequent verbal and physical conflicts over my father’s alcoholism and gambling – my mother would berate him over his misuse of our family income. This would sometimes escalate into a physical attack on my mother, on a number of occasions this put her in hospital.

When I was young, my natural response would be to dissociate from the traumatic experience, as flight or fight was not an option – fight was out of the questions as my father was a very successful professional boxer. However, as I reached the age of 12, I used to get on my pushbike and ride into the night as fast as I could (flight response), hoping that when I returned the conflict would be over. The physical exertion of bike riding at speed served to release some of my pent-up tension and fear from the conflict.

Both Bruce and Oprah make the point that there is a positive side to dissociation in that it could be a life-saving response in some situations but is also part and parcel of what each of us do every day – e.g., day dream. Bruce contends that the “capacity to control dissociation behaviour is very powerful” – it underpins our capacity for reflection and focus and to achieve a “flow state”. I experienced a number of personal traumas in my early childhood and adulthood, including a serious care accident in the family car when our car was hit on the side by another car, rolled a number of times, went over a 10 foot embankment, and came to rest on its hood. I have learned to control my dissociative behaviour and, as a result, developed high levels of reflective cognition and focused behaviour – reflected in my PhD, Professorship and this blog (this is my 700^th published blog post for my Grow Mindfulness blog).

Reflection

“What Happened to You” by Bruce and Oprah stimulated a lot of reflection for me and in some instances, “flashbacks” as well. I began to appreciate more how my five years spent as a contemplative monk (from ages 18 to 22) served to provide me with a highly structured, stable, reflective and meditative environment with high quality relationships that together enabled me to self-regulate after a traumatic upbringing in a conflicted parental environment. In my upbringing, my mother’s unconditional love and support offset to some degree my father’s (PTSD-induced) behaviour.

I am sure my period of development in an environment of daily silence, meditation, prayer and study helped me to achieve a degree of peace and tranquility (sometimes punctuated by moments of panic over my deteriorating home situation). As I grew in mindfulness, I was able to develop resilience, a positive mindset and the ability to find refuge in meditation.

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Image by Luisella Planeta LOVE PEACE ?? from Pixabay

By Ron Passfield – Copyright (Creative Commons license, Attribution–Non Commercial–No Derivatives)

Disclosure: If you purchase a product through this site, I may earn a commission which will help to pay for the site, the associated Meetup group, and the resources to support the blog.

Mindfulness as a Way of Letting Go

Allyson Pimentel. mindfulness teacher with the Mindful Awareness Research Center (MARC), UCLA, offers a guided meditation podcast titled, Mindfulness as Letting Go and Letting Be. She describes the meditation as a Compassionate Body Scan and notes that it’s an adaption from a book by Susan Pollak, Thomas Pedulla and Ronald D. Siegel, Sitting Together: Essential Skills for Mindfulness-Based Psychotherapy. While the Compassionate Body Scan is one of the many meditations offered for therapists working with clients, it has wider application for every-day use by non-therapists. To this end, the authors offer a series of audio meditation podcasts for personal use in downloadable format, along with handouts that list the steps in each mindfulness practice..

The Letting Go meditation offered by Allyson at the end of the 2022 is very timely as it coincides with a time when we have a natural tendency to review our year and begin to make resolutions about changes we want to make in our life. This could mean breaking free of the ties that bind us, e.g., shame, expectations, perfectionism, or fear of failure. It might entail overcoming self-protection or false beliefs that are preventing us from undertaking needed personal change. Alternatively, it could involve letting go of difficult emotions, such as anger, hatred and resentment.

Allyson reminds us that mindfulness involves paying attention to the present moment as it is – not as we wish it to be. In this sense, it requires us to let go of “fantasy” and get in touch with our reality as it is, not distorted by wishful thinking. Her guided meditation involves adopting an attitude of compassion towards ourselves as we scan our bodies and get in touch with the here-and-now bodily sensations we are experiencing. Unlike some other forms of body scan, the focus of the compassionate body scan is not on release of tension but softening the sensation – staying with the discomfort and noticing how it changes over time as you soften its intensity. Allyson points out that the process “can begin to soften the hardened, contracted aspects of our life, our bodies, our minds”.

Guided meditation

At the outset. Allyson explains that letting go within the meditation is not an active process such as throwing out unwanted materials but a passive process of “letting be” – noticing and accepting what is. The goal is to develop “clear insight” into our current reality as reflected in our bodily sensations. Freedom lies in relating to ‘what is” with kindness and self-compassion, however painful. She quotes an insightful poem by a friend that acknowledges “the pain of letting go what defines yourself”.

During the guided meditation, Allyson helps us to focus on various body parts, starting with our forehead and extending to our feet, all the time bringing compassion to ourselves. This is a particular form of meditation that is better with a guide as it helps us to focus on our bodily sensations and supports us to soften our sensations rather than adopt the habituated behaviour of attempting to remove or release them. The meditation component of the podcast is about 20 minutes.

Reflection

During the guided meditation, I became conscious of my efforts at letting go when playing social tennis. After having played team tennis competitions for two decades, I had developed an ingrained “need to win”. I have had to progressively curb my need to win each point, each game, my own service game and eventually each set. Underpinning this letting go is the need to let go of the image of myself as a very fit 40 year old playing A-Grade tennis. The reality is that I am 76 years of age and losing strength in my arms, wrists and legs – my current reality, not my “fantasy’. The last milestone in letting go of my “need-to-win” mindset, is being able to genuinely “savour the wins of others” – the winning shots of my opponents.

At the outset of the guided meditation, Allyson encourages us to take in our environment. Fortuitously, I had decided to undertake the guided meditation while seated on our back deck – not in my office as I usually do. The environment I was able to take in was very calming and pleasant – the warm sun of a Summer’s afternoon, glimpses of Moreton Bay and the islands, a very blue cloudless sky, a gentle cooling breeze and the sounds of Rainbow Lorikeets returning to their nightly resting place.

Gabor Maté, leading trauma expert, reminds us in his latest book, The Myth of Normal, that healing “starts with waking up…to what our bodies are expressing and our minds are suppressing”. Edith Eger, holocaust survivor and world-renowned psychologist, suggests that what we need to do is to “remove the concentration camp of our mind” – thus choosing freedom over victimhood.

As we grow in mindfulness through reflection and guided meditations, we grow in self-awareness – awareness of our bodies, our mindset, the thoughts and emotions that are holding us back from genuine healing and growth. We need to give ourselves compassion and kindness as we are letting go. Allyson maintains that this process enables us to live our life with greater wisdom and skills and greater compassion towards others.

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Image by MrsKirk72 from Pixabay

By Ron Passfield – Copyright (Creative Commons license, Attribution–Non Commercial–No Derivatives)

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