Changing How We Deal with Emotions

Hilary Jacobs Kendel, psychotherapist, author and activist, contends that we learn many things in school that we never use but do not learn about emotions that affect every aspect of our daily lives.  She strongly advocates for education about emotions though her videos, blog posts, presentations, interviews, newspaper articles and clinical practice.  Hilary is the author of  It’s Not Always About Depression:  Listen to the Body, Discover Core Emotions and Rediscover Your Authentic Self.

The Change Triangle®

Hilary educates people about emotions and how to change the way we deal with them through what she calls the Change Triangle®.  This is a visual representation in the form of an inverted triangle of the different types of emotions we all experience.  At the base are what Hilary calls the core emotions that are calls to action designed to help us negotiate our environment.  To the right at the top are inhibiting emotions which impede us experiencing core emotions in their true form.  These, in turn, often lead us to adopt defenses which we employ to avoid being aware of, or experiencing, our feelings.  

Hilary acknowledges that her own understanding of emotions was developed through attending a presentation by Dr. Diana Fosha, Director and Founder of Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy (AEDP)™ which is a treatment model adopted by Hilary that was developed to help adults experiencing difficulties as a result of childhood attachment trauma and abuse.  This transformational model focuses on healing and flourishing despite the experience of emotional suffering and draws heavily on neuroscience, brain plasticity and research on mother-infant development.  Diana advocates strongly for a healing approach (transformation) instead of the traditional psychotherapy approach of a focus on pathology.  In this respect, she addresses the question What Happened to You?, not What’s Wrong With You? – a healing approach also adopted in the book by Oprah Winfrey and Dr. Bruce Perry.  Diana wrote the Forward for Hilary’s book.

Core Emotions

Core emotions have been identified as early as Charles Darwin and their impact on the brain is now able to be identified through brain imaging.  Hilary identifies the core emotions as fear, joy, anger, excitement, sadness, sexual excitement and disgust. These emotions are beyond conscious control as they are triggered by our everyday experience and serve as a survival mechanism, activating our flight or fight response, our approach or avoidance stance.  Where real danger exists, this can be life-saving.  Fear, for example, can make us aware of a real, impending danger, e.g., a house fire.  However, through trauma and adverse childhood experiences, the core emotions can be triggered by seemingly harmless activities or events, such as conscious breathing, a smell or a sound.  The core emotions “ready our body for action” as they appear with a lot of biological energy – ready for activation. 

Inhibiting Emotions

Hilary identifies three emotions that she describes as “inhibiting emotions” – anxiety, shame and guilt.  These emotions often arise from the “shoulds” “and “should-not” messaging that we are all exposed to, especially in our childhood.  Deborah Feldman illustrates this very well in her book, Unorthodox: The Scandalous Rejection of My Hasidic Roots.  She talks of the shame she felt in reading books written in English rather than Yiddish (because of the constant paternal messaging) and the guilt she experienced eating cakes when she felt hungry from the very restrictive traditional diet.  Hilary explains that “shame” is designed to inhibit out impulses and ensure conformity to the norms of our reference group – e.g., family, community or religion.  She differentiates healthy shame from toxic shame – the former brings us safety through inclusion, protection and support.  The latter generates a toxic environment in that it is built on negative self-talk that reinforces negative beliefs about oneself generated by bullying (online or offline), abuse, neglect or alcoholic parents.  Hilary explains that the road to healing is employing the Change Triangle® to unearth the core emotions that lie underneath the shame.   She provides a roadmap through her blog post, 5 Ways to Work the Change Triangle as a Beginner, and offers multiple examples of this transformation process in operation within her book, It’s Not Always About Depression.

Defenses

Hilary explains that defenses are a form of emotional protection in that they are multiple ways “we all avoid painful, uncomfortable or conflicting emotions”.  She identifies the more common ways to avoid emotions in one of her blog posts, including sarcasm, superior conceit, constant apologizing, procrastination, eating disorders and addiction.  She describes some of the more surface level defenses as moving away, rolling your eyes or judging others.  Defenses can be healthy and serve our needs in particular situations such as in a professional environment.  However, unhealthy defenses prevent us from experiencing either inhibiting or core emotions and effectively lead to disconnection from our authentic self.  We hide away from the pain of our deepest feelings by finding a way to deflect them.

In a New York Times Article, It’s Not Always Depression, Sometimes its Shame, Hilary describes her AEDP therapeutic work with a client named Brain.  He had presented with what appeared to be chronic depression and had failed to respond to multiple forms of therapy and medication.  He appeared to be in a comatose state – unable to connect, express his feelings or communicate effectively.  His defenses, in the form of withdrawal enabled him to protect himself form the pain of “emotional aloneness” and toxic shame – induced by a lack of emotional bonding from his parents. His father was preoccupied with earning a living and his mother drank to excess – resulting in “emotional neglect” for Brian.

Hilary employed a range of techniques over the four years of her therapeutic intervention, including throwing cushions to Brian just to engage him in some way.  In his second year of treatment,  he learned to name his emotions, validate them and “safely connect to the emotion he felt in his body”.  On the conclusion of his therapy Brian “felt alive again”,  developed more friends, undertook meaningful work and learned to assert his needs.  In the process, he dissipated the toxic shame he had been experiencing.

Reflection

As we grow in mindfulness we gain increased self-awareness and are better able to identify our triggers, our habituated defenses, the inhibiting emotions and our underlying core emotions (often, there is more than one at play).  We can also learn to access our emotions through our bodily sensations – a major focus of Hilary’s approach.

In her video presentation of the Change Triangle® to a group, Hilary begins with a meditation – participants are asked to close their eyes, become grounded, get in touch with their breath, and undertake a body scan.  The first part of the scan focuses in on a place in the body where we can feel calm and warmth.  The second part of the scan involves identifying a place of tension or pain in the body.  This is followed by a process of breathing into that place and imagining that we are able to move it aside even for a little bit to locate the emotion that is under there, “pushing up for experiencing and validation”.

As Bessel van der Kolk maintains, The Body Keeps the Score.  In this book, he explains the role of the brain and body in the transformation of trauma.  As Hilary points out, through her Change Triangle®, healing and transformation ultimately lead us to our Authentic Self which enables us to achieve clarity, calm, courage, creativity, compassion and connectedness.

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Image by Ronald Plett from Pixabay

By Ron Passfield – Copyright (Creative Commons license, Attribution–Non Commercial–No Derivatives)

Disclosure: If you purchase a product through this site, I may earn a commission which will help to pay for the site and the resources to support the blog.

Grit: Realizing our Potential

Angela Duckworth describes “grit” as the “combination of passion and perseverance”.  According to Angela, high performers are separated from under-performers (as measured against natural talent) because they not only have determination but a direction inspired by a passion.  In her book, Grit: Why passion and persistence are the secrets to success, she provides substantial research and multiple examples that underpin her perspective on “the psychology of achievement”.  She argues exhaustively that talent is not the determinant of success – despite “the global war for talent”.

Talent is misleading

There are many people in numerous areas of endeavour who have what we call “natural talent” but who fail to realise their potential.  Angela argues that we often resort to the word “talent” as a way to explain high performance or what we see as exceptional achievement beyond what is perceived as the norm.  As I read this, I remembered an incident when I played social tennis recently  – I had produced a winning running, cross-court forehand shot which elicited the unexpected comment from my tennis partner, “That’s just natural talent”.  Little did he realise that I had been playing tennis for more than 65 years and that my brothers and I used to spend hours each week doing tennis drills, including practising endless cross-court shots.

Angela suggests that high performance or achievement is often described as “magical” because it serves to protect a person’s self-esteem and offers an excuse for not competing or attempting to match the seemingly unattainable level achieved by others.  She contends that more often than not, exceptional performance or achievement is the result of grit – the combination of consistent hard work and persistence in the face of setbacks.  She maintains that labelling high performance as “natural talent” can mislead us into not making an effort.  She gives the example from her own teaching career where she was mislead into thinking that effort had to go into the seemingly talented at the expense of the “strugglers”.   This absolved her and the strugglers from making the extra effort required to bring them up to speed.

Perseverance: the hard work behind exceptional performance or achievement

Angela gives many examples of people lacking natural talent who nonetheless are exceptional performers/achievers.  For example, she writes about John Irving, author of 12 exceptional books (half of which have been turned into movies) and his struggle with dyslexia.  In his school days, John was described as “lazy and stupid”.  He overcame his disability by reading with his finger slowly which resulted in his ability to pay attention to an exceptional degree and to realise that repeating something over and over enabled him to understand that through such repletion “something that was never natural becomes almost second nature”.  John indicated that his greatest ability as a writer is ”reworking” – having the willingness and stamina to do multiple redrafts of his novels.

Angela also highlighted the “work ethic” of Will Smith who claimed that he was “not to be outworked” – he would go so far as “to die on the treadmill”.  He claimed that he lacked the smarts, talent and sexual appeal of other actors, but understood that effort, not talent, determines results.  As Angela points out, there are many people who have a precocious level of talent who under-perform because they are not prepared “to put the work in” – it all comes too easy for them so they quickly plateau.

People often drop out before they realise their potential, whether they are attempting to achieve elite performance or just using their exercise bike, running track, weights or tennis practice.  The defining personal quality for excellence is “stick-to-itness” which is defined by the Oxford Dictionary as “the ability or capacity to see a course of action through to its completion” – which translates into “dogged perseverance”.  According to Angela’s research on excellent performance and achievement, “the highly accomplished were paragons of persistence”.   She maintains that we can overlook the persistent, consistent hard work involved because we “see the performance but not the training”.

There is a certain mundanity about the hard work involved – repetition of seemingly boring tasks done daily over an extended period.  Angela cites Dan Chambliss who studied Olympic Swimmers and wrote a report titled, The Mundanity of Excellence: An Ethnographic Report on Stratification and Olympic Swimmers.  Dan concludes, after three years of research, “Excellence is achieved by the doing of actions, ordinary in themselves, consistently and carefully.”  The actions are done with care to ensure they are “correct” but are repeated ad nauseum to enable them to become “habituated” and combined in performance to achieve excellence.  He stated that “superb performance is really a confluence of small skills or activities”.  

Passion: the driver of perseverance

Angela describes high performers and achievers in her research as people “chasing something of unparalleled interest and importance”.  Passion drives persistence.  A singular focus maintained over time requires an underlying passion.  I used to tell my PhD students not to start a thesis unless they are passionate about the topic – without the passion they will inevitably “run out of steam”.   As Dan points out in his report, ‘a dissertation is a mundane piece of work” and the real test is whether you can complete it to the point of submission (which explains why some doctoral attrition rates [dropping out] reach 50% or higher).

Angela cites the work of Francis Galton who undertook a longitudinal study of high achievement in fields such as law, science athletics and the arts.  He concluded that exceptional zeal and “the capacity for hard work” enabled the “outliers” to “demonstrate exceptional ability”.  Angela also notes that Charles Darwin, Francis’ cousin, agreed that zeal and hard work are “the eminently important difference” in high achievement, not intellect.  Darwin claimed that he was not so remarkably clever but his “industry” (application to observation and understanding) were exceptional.  He indicated that what drove this persistence and perseverance was a “love of natural science” that has been “steady and ardent”.   As Angela points out, it’s not just a love of, or passion for, an area of endeavour but the ability “to stay in love” with it that counts in the final analysis.

Angela describes the work of George Vaillant who persisted with following the Harvard Medical School’s Study of Adult Development (which was undertaken over 75 years).  George who was the director of the study for more than 30 years published key insights from the study in three books, the latter of which was Triumphs of Experience: The Men of the Harvard Grant Study.  He claimed that he was “not naturally persistent” but undertook the Harvard study on a consistent and persistent basis. He maintained that he was “totally fascinated by the Study” and stated that “there is nothing more interesting than watching people grow”.   His passion drove his perseverance.

Effort – the determinant of skill level and achievement

Angela contends that talent can determine how quickly skill is improved if you put in the effort.  However, effort builds skill and also enables us to make that skill productive.  As skill develops through hard work, we are better able and more willing to use our acquired skills.  Angela illustrates this theory of skill development and achievement through effort, with the work of Master potter Warren MacKenzie (considered an American Treasure).  Warren initially attempted with his wife Alix (Alixandra Kolesky) to try different arts such as jewellery and textile design and decided to focus on pottery.  He thought that excelling at one thing would be much more satisfying than being amateurish at many things.  So together he and his wife concentrated on ceramic work “because that was where we felt our true interest lay”. 

Warren invested effort in making about fifty pots a day and indicated that the first ten thousand pots were difficult.  Each day his skill grew and his achievement in terms of what he considered good pots grew.  Looking back on his early pots he viewed them in hindsight as not very good, lacking the richness that he was looking for.  Being a potter for most of his adult life (he died at age 94) he was able to apply his expertise and insight to teach ceramic arts at the University of Minnesota over a period of 37 years. 

Warren showed that his hard work and application – making pots every day and trying to improve his art – led to skill mastery and enabled him to apply his skill to not only excel in his chosen art form but also to become an esteemed Professor and teacher.

Reflection

Angela cites William James, American psychologist and philosopher, who maintained that people very often failed to actualize their potential – “we are making use of only a small part of our possible mental and physical resources”.  The gap in actualization, according to Angela, often comes down to a lack of willingness to persevere with the hard work that is required to turn passion and interest into skill, mastery and application.  She encourages everyone to put the work in to pursue their passion – an exhortation echoed by Naomi Simpson in her book, Live What You Love: When Passion and Purpose Change Your life.

I found by applying myself to writing this blog (over 700 posts) that writing has become easier – I can more readily focus on a topic, integrate material from multiple sources (podcasts, novels, videos, articles, blogs) and create an original post.  The act of writing has become easier as I have refined my writing process through perseverance (despite many setbacks and distractions) and pursued my passion to grow mindfulness.  I continue to learn about being mindful in everyday life and have learnt to adapt my mindfulness practices to changing circumstances.  I am always on the lookout for mindfulness exemplars.

When I look back on my tennis experience over more than 60 years, I can see how Angela’s theory  of skill acquisition and application through hard work bears fruit in terms of high performance.  I have played over 1,000 sets of tennis and practised individual shots over numerous hours over my lifetime.  Even when no one else was available to play a game of tennis with me, I would take a bucket of balls to a tennis court and practise my serves and shots up and down the forehand and backhand sidelines as well as crosscourt.  Even today in my seventies, I can complete tennis shots that surprise the people I am playing with (such as a backhand half-volley drop shot or a backhand half-volley lob).  I find that mindfulness, especially Tai Chi, improves my game.

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Image by Shahid Abdullah from Pixabay

By Ron Passfield – Copyright (Creative Commons license, Attribution–Non Commercial–No Derivatives)

Disclosure: If you purchase a product through this site, I may earn a commission which will help to pay for the site and the resources to support the blog.

Deep Listening: A Lost Managerial Art

Managers report that many things act as barriers preventing them from listening effectively in the workplace.  Distractions from external sources such as endless emails, busyness at work, noise from “open office environments” and time pressures, are high on the list as impediments.  Managers also identify what can be described as internal barriers to listening – preconceptions about an individual staff member, assumptions about what the individual wants to talk about, anxiety when the speaker is sharing difficult emotions, and absorption with their own personal issues.  Managers report, too, that they tend to try to solve problems before they really know what the employee’s problem is, interrupt people to tell their own stories and have difficulty maintaining their focus on a speaker when they are perceived to be “rambling on”.

Added to these difficulties experienced by managers is what Johann Hari describes as our “lost focus” – an ongoing decline in our ability to pay attention for any length of time because of the “fire hose” of information flooding our minds through emails, social media and news broadcasts.  In his book, Stolen Focus: Why You Can’t Pay Attention, he highlights our inability to stay-on-topic, be truly present and achieve flow.  Research shows that our attention span is diminishing rapidly, making it all the more difficult for managers to engage in “deep listening”.   In a recent podcast, Gloria Monk PhD drew on this research to explain “Why our attention spans are shrinking”.

The essence of deep listening

Joan Halifax, in her book, Standing at the Edge, describes deep listening as truly listening in the present moment with openness and curiosity.  She explains that this requires us “to step out of self-absorption, self-deception, distractions” and move away “from the trance of our technological devices”.  Joan maintains that deep listening involves “really hearing” someone else by listening “with body, heart, and mind”.  In her words, it also involves being able to “listen past the filters of our personal history and our memories” – it involves self-lessness.  Too often, we have to tell our stories to legitimate ourselves in the eyes of the other person.

Larissa Behrendt, in her novel After Story, has one of her characters describe deep listening as “listening with respect” – not trying to hurry the other person to finish, paying full attention without interrupting the speaker.  She reinforces the need to be “ready to listen” – “to prepare the space and listen” so that you can take in the wisdom of the speaker and the story they have to tell.  Larissa, Distinguished Professor of Indigenous Studies and Research at UTS, maintains that deep listening has its origins in the ancient cultural ways known as Winanga-Li, where “the silences are as powerful as the words”.

Deep listening for Richard Wolf, author of In Tune: Music as a Bridge to Mindfulness, occurs when we “not only hear music but feel it”.  This involves feeling the music “with your body and soul”.   For Richard, music can help the listener/musician overcome internal barriers to listening by “filtering out” distorting elements such as biases, prejudices, blind-spots and false assumptions.

Benefits of deep listening

There are many benefits from deep listening that accrue to the listener as well as the person being listened to.  I have summarised some of the key benefits that are identified in literature that I have been reading lately:

  • Facilitating the healing power of storytelling: deep listening enables a person to share their story of pain, suffering and trauma.  Annie Brewster details the way this can happen in her book, The Healing Power of Storytelling: Using Personal Narrative to Navigate Illness, Trauma and Loss.  It is because of the healing power of storytelling that Annie has established the Health Story Collaborative.  Jana Pittman, in her biography Enough: accept yourself just the way you are, highlights the destructive impact of keeping painful things bottled up – you can lose yourself.  As someone who has experienced deep pain and suffering – through three miscarriages, a marriage breakdown, media taunting and bullying, “a cervical cancer scare”, multiple injuries destroying her Olympic Dream, battling with financial difficulties and an eating disorder – Jana can readily attest to the healing power that facing her pain and sharing her story has provided her.  She maintains that running away from pain can be a “heavy burden” because “bottling it up” is like “carrying it round like a ball and chain”.   By facing her pain, embracing it and sharing it, she has found a new release to achieve even greater goals; the alternative, avoidance strategy, “leaves you with a whole lot of defensive walls and only a short ladder”.  Larissa Behrendt, in her After Story novel, has one of her characters comment that there is “strength in saying things” because “it’s like a curtain being lifted”.
  • Achieving resonance: `Ginny Whitelaw, innovator in leadership development, contends that leadership is about achieving resonance with followers, and that it is through listening that leaders capture the energy of followers and thus focus and amplify the collective energy of a team.  She explains her underlying principles, and supporting neuroscience, in her book, Resonate: Zen and the Way of Making a Difference.  Deep listening for Ginny involves getting on the “same wavelength”, instead of “talking past” the other person.  This means, in effect, that energy vibrations of the leader and follower become aligned and therefore amplified.  The sensitivity involved in such deep listening changes the listener and enables healing of the storyteller.
  • Developing empathy:  Joan Halifax contends that deep listening develops empathy, motivates compassionate action and obviates self-absorption.  She provides examples of deep listening in her book, Standing at the Edge, while recognising that empathy is an “Edge State” – that can lead to significant personal and social contributions, but potentially lead to “empathic distress”.  This latter downside of deep listening and the attendant empathic feelings can arise where a person is unable to separate themselves from the sufferer – they effectively “own” the other’s suffering.  In her book, Joan describes situations where she has experienced empathic distress, however momentarily, and offers ways to overcome this other-absorption, including her G.R.A.C.E. technique.

Ways to develop deep listening

There are multiple ways to develop deep listening and, like any art, “practise makes perfect”.  However, we each have our personal and historical impediments to achieving deep listening at any point in time.  Actively working to cultivate deep listening can be very beneficial for ourselves and others we interact with on a daily basis.  Several authors suggest different ways to develop deep listening (apart from consciously practising it in the present moment):

  • Sounds as an anchor in meditation: meditation often involves choosing an anchor that can enable us to re-focus once we experience distractions during meditation. While our breath is often used as an anchor, sounds can be an alternative.  Richard Wolf suggests that focusing in on the sounds of our breath along with the gap between breaths, can effectively cultivate deep listening.  We can also tune into our environment, including what he describes as the “room tone”.   Richard also encourages the development of “dual awareness” where we not only focus on the sounds of our breath but also become consciously aware of our associated bodily sensations.   
  • Music to quiet the “inner voice”: Richard maintains that playing a musical instrument or listening to music can cultivate deep listening because of the sustained concentration required.  You are effectively training yourself to tune into the music (by fully attending to the sounds) and experiencing the music emotionally and bodily. Richard argues that the concentration required quiets the self-critical inner voice and prevents contamination by our “cognitive limitations”.  He contends that music enables us to achieve an alignment of mind, body and emotion.  Richard suggests that playing an instrument for others not only develops deep listening for the musician but also provides a “stunning variety of sonic, emotional and musical elements” for a discerning audience – a catalyst for deep listening on their part.  One can readily picture a young child dancing in a totally uninhibited way to music played by a street performer who is totally absorbed in his or her art.
  • Tuning into nature: nature provides silence and unique sounds that enable us to experience our interconnectedness to everything, including people who are attempting to gain a “hearing”.  Gordon Hempton reminds us that silence in nature does not mean the absence of sounds but “an acoustic state, free of intrusions of modern, man-made noise”.  Gordon has recorded his journey as an activist for nature’s “silence” in his book, One Square Inch of Silence: One Man’s Quest to Preserve Quiet.  Through his work as a sound recordist and an acoustic ecologist, he has encouraged people to heighten their auditory awareness of the unique “soundtracks” that surround us in nature and to observe “the quiet between the notes” (so that we can better appreciate the value of silence and stillness).  Gordon’s crusade for silence and listening to nature is mirrored in the work of Christine Jackman, author of Turning Down the Noise: The Quiet Power of Silence in a Busy World.  In a chapter on nature, she highlights the healing power of nature and the need to tune into nature to reduce our “emotional inflammation” and regain our capacity to be quiet and listen.  Like Gordon, she contends that when we listen to nature “our listening horizon extends”.   Polar photographer, Camille Seaman, maintains that spending time in the stillness and silence of nature “dissolves the veil of separateness” and increases our understanding of, and respect for, our connectedness.
  • Adopting a “not Knowing” mindset: Joan Halifax recommends cultivating a “beginner’s mind” – the stance of “not knowing”.   She maintains that we can never really know and understand the complex mix of emotions another person is experiencing, or the precursor events at different points in their life, or the unique interplay of triggers that were the catalyst for their current psychosomatic state.  This perspective accords with the advice of Frank Ostaseski to cultivate a don’t know mind.  Robert Wilder discusses the challenges and benefits of living a “not knowing” life in his podcast, The Not-Know-It-All: The Struggle of Not Knowing.
  • Reflective practice: reflection on our communication experiences can help us to gain insight into the barriers we put in the way of deep listening.  If we are honest in our reflections, we can improve our awareness of our habituated behaviours (such as interrupting others) that act as blockages to our deep listening. I have posted a sample of questions for reflection on personal interactions in a previous post.

Reflection

As we grow in mindfulness by spending time observing and listening in nature, reflecting on our interactions, meditating on internal and external sounds and undertaking other mindfulness practices, we can gain awareness of our personal impediments to developing the art of deep listening.  For me, some of these impediments are a tendency to deflect the conversation when emotions become intense (on either side of the conversation), to divert the conversation to my own story or to demonstrate knowledge and experience to prop up my sense of self-worth or external credibility.

A further reflection (25 August 2023)

Reflecting on my behaviour when interrupting somenone’s conversation, I realise that sometimes I come from an “I know” position, not a “don’t know” perspective. I feel I have to explain that I have experienced (directly or indirectly) what they are talking about, read about it or heard someone else talking about it. The net effect is that I don’t reflect back the communicated emotions and divert the conversation onto my issue and away from challenging emotions. I wonder whether this habituated behaviour has resulted from my academic background (the need to be seen to know).

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Image by Monika Iris from Pixabay

By Ron Passfield – Copyright (Creative Commons license, Attribution–Non Commercial–No Derivatives)

Disclosure: If you purchase a product through this site, I may earn a commission which will help to pay for the site and the resources to support the blog.

Living at the Edge: Empathy

Joan Halifax author, Buddhist teacher, anthropologist and Zen priest has written a profound book on what she calls the “Edge States” – “five internal and interpersonal states” that she maintains are the foundation of compassionate action and living a courageous life.  They are described by her as “Edge States” because they can lead to positive living and constructive social contribution or become harmful and cause damage to others.  Joan describes the Edge States in her book, Standing at the Edge: Finding Freedom Where Fear and Courage Meet.  Her book covers each of the five edge states in detail  – altruism, respect, integrity, engagement and empathy.  In this blog post, I will address Joan’s views on empathy as an Edge State.

Empathy vs Compassion

Joan contends that empathy is not compassion.  In her words, empathy is “feeling into” another – experiencing their pain and suffering.  Compassion, on the other hand, is not only “feeling for” another but aspiring to take some form of action that will be of benefit to the person you are feeling for – this can be any form of compassionate action.   Empathy underpins compassion and is a necessary internal state if we are to avoid becoming totally self-absorbed, small-minded or even narcissistic.

Three forms of empathy – somatic, emotional and cognitive

Joan describes three forms of empathy and illustrates them from her own life experience.  The first of these is somatic empathy – where resonance with another’s suffering or pain is felt in some form of bodily manifestation.  It can take the form of a strong physical sensation such as feeling punched in the stomach, feeling faint or being unsteady.  Joan mentions that  somatic empathy can occur on a regular basis between people who are close or in frequent contact.  She mentions, for example, the uncanny ability of her mountain guide/minder in the Himalayas who became so “physically attuned” to her that he could sense if she was about to fall over and catch her to prevent it happening.  Joan indicated that some people are hypersensitive to the somatic experience of others and she mentioned Dr. Joel Salinas who has what is called “mirror-touch synesthesia” – an extreme form of somatic identification that he has to consciously manage for his own preservation and the benefit of his patients.

Emotional empathy, the second form of empathy described by Joan, involves sharing the emotions being experienced by another person – becoming “inhabited by another’s feelings”.   When emotional empathy is at a healthy level, it can help us to be more caring, more conscious of connectedness to others  and more willing to take compassionate action.  However, if we become too closely identified with the emotions of others we can tip over the edge into personal distress, burnout and “blunting” (a state where we no longer “feel for” others as a way to protect ourselves).

The third form of empathy described by Joan is cognitive empathy.  This is explained in terms of “perspective taking” – in other words inhabiting the mindset or mind view of another, often described as “standing in another’s shoes”.  Again this form of empathy can be enabling for ourselves as well as others or lead to our being captured by another’s way of seeing the world (as in cults or the experience of the German people at the time of Hitler).  People’s propensity to adopt another’s world view can be used as a form of manipulation.  However, when employed positively it involves attunement to another leading to a form of resonance.  Joan illustrates this in describing an experience of being confronted by an angry Algerian soldier at the Algeria-Mali border when she was on an archaeological trip by herself.  Her ability to take on his perspective, instead of “othering” him and viewing herself as a victim, enabled her to gain safe passage.  Joan also recounts the story of Lieutenant Colonel Hughes and his instructions to his troops in Iraq near the holy Imam Ali Mosque to “take a knee” (and point their rifles to the ground) as a form of successful perspective taking that saved many lives when the troops were confronted by an angry crowd (who misunderstood the American’s intentions).

Over the edge – empathic distress

Empathic distress occurs when we become too identified  – somatically, emotionally and/or cognitively – with another person’s suffering or pain.  We lose the capacity to separate ourselves from the other person’s experience and in the process become disoriented and unbalanced.  Joan describes a number of situations where she was on the edge of empathic distress but was able to recognise her response for what it was and pull back from the edge. 

In one situation, involving a young girl with severe burns who had been carried by her father to the Upaya Nomads Medical Clinic in Nepal, Joan found that her own heart rate was racing and dropping, her breath was “shallow and rapid” and her skin became “cold and clammy”.  She was momentarily overwhelmed with her perception of the little girl’s suffering and pain.  Joan indicated that at the time her “hyper-attunement ” with the child was causing her to spiral out of control and into deep distress physically (almost fainting) and emotionally.  Fortunately, through her social engagement activities (including being with the dying), she was able to draw on a process to help her restore her balance and control.

Moving away from the empathic edge – overcoming empathic distress

 Joan was able to draw on a process she had developed to help people move from empathy to compassion, to move away from the edge represented by empathic distress.  Her process involves the mnemonic, GRACE.  This stands for:

  • G – gathering our attention by refocusing on our breath or our feet on the ground (restoring our groundedness)
  • R – recalling (bringing to mind again) our intention for being with the other person in their situation
  • A – attuning to ourself and the other – being fully aware of our own bodily sensations and what the other person is demonstrating (in the case of the little girl, this was resilience). 
  • C – considering how we can serve in the situation without taking control over others or pursuing our own needs
  • E – engagement and disengagement –adopting an appropriate means of engagement (e.g. engaging in a loving-kindness meditation focused on the other’s wellbeing) and being able to end the interaction when desirable to do so.

Joan makes the point that if we learn to identify empathic distress, we will be better able to manage our responses and restore our balance instead of experiencing burnout, with its physical, emotional and moral degradation.  She likens empathic distress to vicarious suffering and highlights the fact that people in the helping professions and caregivers are prone to experiencing this depleted state.

Developing empathy

Joan describes four practices that support the development of empathy – attuning to our bodily sensations, (e.g., body scan), deep listening, stewarding empathy and “rehumanization”.  Her description of deep listening is especially insightful and demonstrates her willingness to be with another person fully.  She maintains that “really hearing another person requires us to listen with body, heart and mind” while being aware of how our personal experiences and recollections can act as filters, thus distorting the message of the other person.  By stewarding empathy, Joan means that we have to be able to cope with the dilemma of our life – that we are both connected to everyone and, at the same time, separate – we cannot become totally identified with the other or we lose ourselves in the process.  This requires practice and the GRACE approach is one way to develop this capacity.  Lastly, rehumanization according to the work of John Paul Lederach, involves adopting a moral stance “to see the other as a person first, to see ourselves in others, and to recognise our common humanity”.

Reflection

I have experienced empathic distress on a number of occasions.  In one particular instance, I was driving across the Story Bridge in Brisbane when I heard a woman on the radio talking about her suffering and grief.  I can’t recall the detail of the story but I became more and more strongly identified with her emotions.  I can clearly recall my somatic empathy in the form of a sense of dizziness and disorientation while driving.  Fortunately, I intuitively knew to turn off the radio and refocus my attention on the act of driving the car and paying attention to the road and traffic.

On other occasions, I have experienced hyper-attunement to someone who is suffering extreme stress from working for a narcissistic manager.  Because I have been involved in directly helping a manager and their unit in such a situation, I have great difficulty stopping myself from taking on another’s distress and suffering when they are in a similar situation.

Joan’s GRACE model will be particularly helpful for me in the future.  As I grow in mindfulness through mindfulness meditation, reflection and mantra meditations, I can increase my self-awareness of when I am experiencing empathic distress and have the insight and courage to adopt the GRACE model so that I do not fall over the empathic edge.

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Image by Mirosław i Joanna Bucholc from Pixabay

By Ron Passfield – Copyright (Creative Commons license, Attribution–Non Commercial–No Derivatives)

Disclosure: If you purchase a product through this site, I may earn a commission which will help to pay for the site and the resources to support the blog.

Dealing with Guilt and Shame on the Death of a Son or Daughter

In the previous post, I wrote about how storytelling helped Tiffany Barton deal with grief and loss on the suicide death of her son, Cosmo.  She talked about her letter and poem, Young Death, that Nick Cave published in his book, Faith, Hope & Carnage.  She expressed gratitude that Nick’s wife, Susie Cave (née Bick), allowed him to share her “guilt and shame” in his book because it helped Tiffany “so much to know I wasn’t alone”.  Tiffany also stated that in sharing her own story publicly in the Weekend Magazine, she felt “some relief from pain” and “some forgiveness”.  Her experience and that of Nick reinforces the wisdom of Annie Brewster in her book, The Healing Power of Storytelling: Using Personal Narrative to Navigate Illness, Trauma and Loss.

Forgiveness: Release from guilt and shame

The latter part of Nick’s book is devoted to forgiveness and the idea of making amends.   He indicated that he and Susie were “looking the wrong way at the wrong time”.   He suggested that everything they do now is designed “to seek forgiveness by making amends”.   Tiffany related to that statement and indicated that her public storytelling was designed to help anyone else who is also wrestling “with guilt, shame and self-loathing” as a result of the suicide death of their son or daughter. Nick devotes a whole chapter (chapter 15) of his book to the theme of “Absolution”.

Nick found recording the Skelton Tree album in Brighton particularly challenging as he had to drive each day past the cliffs were his son Arthur died and past the Church where he was buried.  Even moving to Paris to finish the recordings did not assuage his sadness or sense of guilt.  What did effectively provide some form of “exoneration” and inner peace was the Andrew Dominik’s documentary, One More Time with Feeling.  The documentary captures the final recording sessions of Skeleton Tree by Nick and his band, The Bad Seeds, following the death of his son.  It also incorporates Nick’s reflections and those of his wife, Susie.   Nick explains that the documentary seemed like it did something for Arthur – “bring him back into the world”.   It served as a form of release for his own sense of helplessness and guilt and enabled him to experience “a kind of peace, an internal silence and calmness”, even when driving past the cliffs where Arthur died.

Finding forgiveness in working with clay

Nick found his way to forgiveness not only through his music but also through working with clay and developing figurines “in the Staffordshire style”.  He became obsessed with this project pursuing it intensely because he was totally absorbed by it and experienced flow through the deep concentration involved.  Nick found the process therapeutic, permeating his dreams and consuming much of his time when he was awake.  He indicated that part of the attraction of working with clay was that the process was “something very direct and elemental”.   Nick found that the medium “felt liberating, also very healing”.

Sean O’Hagan, Nick’s interviewer for the Faith, Hope & Carnage book, was intrigued by Nick’s compulsion with the clay figurines and asked about the portrayal of the epic journey involved, a seeming allegory.  Nick responded that the figurines were not intended to be directly about Arthur but, in the final analysis, had something to do with his death – there is a gesture of atonement involved in the final sculpture that is titled “Devil’s Forgiveness”.  When asked directly whether the figurine epic is “an allegory about forgiveness”, Nick found it difficult to articulate exactly what the figurines meant.  However, despite himself, the figurines, and the story they portrayed,  spoke to him “directly and explicitly”.   He found that the “plain and explicit nature” of the figurines related to him “the larger and unambiguous meaning of his predicament”.

Nick explained that the theme running through each of the sculptures, and the underlining story, is “the need to be forgiven” which he maintains is at the centre of his life and that of Susie and, as such, acts as a “motivating force”.   Nick stated that the Faith, Hope & Carnage book, his live performances, albums (Skeleton Tree, Carnage and Ghosteen), The Red Hand Files, and his In Conversations events, are all asking for absolution – “to be released from my own personal culpability”.  He also maintained that all the work that they do – he (with his creative works) and Susie (with her “ghost-like dresses”) are asking for forgiveness and saying that they are sorry for what happened to Arthur.  In his own words, Nick asserts, “There is not a song or word or a stitch that is not asking for forgiveness”.

Reflection

It is not possible to fathom the depth of grief and feelings of guilt and shame experienced by a parent on the death of a son or daughter.  Grief expresses itself in unique ways – for some it is totally consuming and takes over their life.  For others, it seems to be a passing feeling that becomes buried before it can become an all-consuming pain.  Some retreat into isolation , others “party on” while attempting to “drown their sorrows”.

The road to self-forgiveness and absolution is a long and winding road, and often a tortuous path.  It is highly individualised as reflected in Nick’s figurine epic and Susie’s dress designs.  Each person has to find their own way through the darkness of grief, guilt and shame.  For Nick and Susie, the road to release was paved with creativity – but never dissolving the underlying sadness.

Nick mentioned that meditating enabled him to access his better, sympathetic self.  In contrast, when he stopped meditating, his life tended “to slip back into chaos, low level depression and anger”.  As we grow in mindfulness through meditation, we can progressively deal with our challenging feelings of grief, guilt and shame and find a way to support others through empathy and compassionate action, whatever unique form that takes.  Through his pain, Nick reminds us to savour the “the precious nature of things” and the world at large.

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Image by Sergio Cerrato – Italia from Pixabay

By Ron Passfield – Copyright (Creative Commons license, Attribution–Non Commercial–No Derivatives)

Disclosure: If you purchase a product through this site, I may earn a commission which will help to pay for the site and the resources to support the blog.

Dealing with Loss and Grief

Previously I have written about the power of storytelling to manage grief.  I drew on the writing of Dr. Annie Brewster and Nick Cave.  Annie published her groundbreaking book, The Healing Power of Storytelling, to share her own story and that of others who have experienced loss, trauma or serious chronic illness.

In his book, Faith, Hope & Carnage, Nick demonstrates how his storytelling through his writing, documentary and his creative endeavours (songwriting, recording and performing) provided him with growth and transformation and enabled him to manage his grief with the loss of his 15 year old son, Arthur. 

Even before his son’s death, Nick felt a strong need for social connection and so he created the website, Red Hand Files, to give his fans an avenue to communicate with him by asking questions of him.  The resultant Red Hand Files moved from a superficial exchange re his songs and their origins to a deeply personal storytelling exchange that Nick described as an “exercise in communal vulnerability and transparency”. 

Nick maintains that that through the Red Hand Files his past debilitating filters ‘have been dismantled over time” and wonder and awe have been restored in his life.  He indicates that the experience of the Red Hand Files, involving mutual storytelling, has enabled him to slowly develop self-awareness and transparency by “prising” him open – moving him to progressively disclose himself and the depth of his feelings.  He asserts that the process of such mutual vulnerability caused him to change as a person, songwriter and performer.

Nick’s interviewer for his book, Sean O’Hagan, comments that the letters people wrote to Nick as part of the Red Hand Files were very powerful in transforming people’s lives and served to fulfill their need for connection “by articulating their particular story for somebody else to hear”.  The online files enabled people to reach out and find a way to voice their own grief.  Tiffany Barton’s story is an illustration of the power of such sharing through storytelling.

Tiffany Barton’s story of loss and grief

Tiffany recently shared her story of loss and grief, and her healing interaction with Nick, in her story, “Into My Arms”, in The Weekend Australian Magazine, June 10-11 (pp.15-19).  Tiffany lost her 22 year old, gifted son, Cosmo, through suicide.  It is only after his death that she began to realise that Cosmo showed signs of being on the autism spectrum.   For example, he had a phenomenal memory, being able to recite the 230 digits of Pi.  He was also readily able to memorise Mozart, Beethoven and Haydn when learning music and performing.

Cosmo had a totally absorbing passion for the fortepiano, an instrument like a piano but based on instruments developed before 1930 (and differing from the modern piano in tone, touch and appearance).  Cosmo was mesmerized by the fortepiano often talking passionately about its history, mechanics and technique and developing a unique skill in tuning the instrument.  His passion led him to study the fortepiano at the Western Australia Academy of Performing Arts (WAAPA) where he hoped to eventually complete a PhD.  His last performance on the fortepiano was described by Tiffany as “a stunning final concert at WAAPA”.  Cosmo suffered terribly from sclerosis which led him to seek relief from a drug purchased online, that ultimately led to his death.

In her article, Tiffany describes her grief as being “like a mosquito smashed on the window of a ten-tonne truck”.  She drew on Nick’s words to describe the “vastness” of grief, reducing us to “trembling clusters of atoms subsumed within grief’s awesome presence”.   Tiffany became aware of Nick’s writings on grief through his Red Hand Files and was particularly moved by his “Letter to Cynthia” that he turned into a song.  She wrote a poem “young death” about the night Cosmo died which helped her “purge some of the trauma and change” she carried.

Tiffany reached out to Nick by writing a letter to him and including her poem. Nick was incredibly moved by Tiffany’s courage and clarity in articulating her grief and asked her permission to publish her letter and poem in his Faith, Hope & Carnage book (which he duly did).  He also asked her to record them for his audiobook.

Nick subsequently contacted Tiffany and spoke in his usual “patient” and “loving” way.  Besides checking-in on her welfare, he inquired about her meditation practice.  She explained that she uses meditation to communicate with Cosmo.  In her discussion with Nick she spoke of Cosmo’s drug use and the impact of intergenerational trauma on her family.  Tiffany explained that Nick’s ability to articulate his “grief, loss, love, art and spiritual awakening” in his book soothed her and “offered her respite from her horror”.

Reflection

Nick found that there was “freedom in grief” and indicated that the words of Kris Kristofferson song, Bobby McGee, resonated with him – “Freedom’s just another word for nothin’ left to lose”.  Nick came to reconcile with the reality of the human condition and the “acute jeopardy of life”.    He strongly urges us to appreciate all aspects of our life and savour “the time we have together in this world”.

It’s in facing our challenging emotions that we can break free of their hold over us and realise true freedom.  Storytelling and sharing with others can open us up to the depths of our feelings and release us from the hold of our own expectations and those of others.  As we grow in mindfulness through openness, curiosity and non-judgmental attention, we can deepen our self-awareness and develop the courage to share our story of loss and grief for our own healing and transformation. 

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Image by Lars Barstad from Pixabay

By Ron Passfield – Copyright (Creative Commons license, Attribution–Non Commercial–No Derivatives)

Disclosure: If you purchase a product through this site, I may earn a commission which will help to pay for the site, the associated Meetup group, and the resources to support the blog.

Managing Grief through Storytelling

Dr. Annie Brewster, M.D. describes the power of storytelling for healing and recovery from illness, injury or loss in her book, The Healing Power of Storytelling: Using Personal Narrative to Navigate Illness, Trauma and Loss.   She stresses the need to develop a new “narrative identity” after receiving a life-changing medical diagnosis.  Annie provides an online avenue for people to share their stories of health challenges and recovery in her Health Story Collaborative which is dedicated to enabling people to heal through the therapeutic power of storytelling and a supportive social network.

In her book, Annie highlights the need to make the storytelling authentic – not just a recounting of events but also exposure of the nature and intensity of accompanying emotions.  This means being open about our feelings even those such as resentment that we might be embarrassed about.  It is in identifying and facing our difficult feelings that we can gain release from their hold on us.  Annie stresses that it is not the medium of storytelling that matters, any form will can have a healing effect – video, audio, song, poem, letter or blog post.

Storytelling can be a powerful process for managing grief  after the loss of a partner or child.  Bruce Feiler stresses the need to change our “story narrative” when encountering such “lifequakes” – we have to change our linear mindset about life’s progression and allow for regression that can occur at any time.  In his book, Life is in the Transitions: Mastering Change at any Age, he offers strategies, including storytelling, to reframe and reshape our lives in the event of personal loss.  To assist this process of rebuilding, Bruce offers an online resource in the form of the Life Story Online Interview.

Nick Cave’s Story of grief

In his book, Faith, Hope and Carnage, developed through intimate interviews with Sean O’Hagan, Nick discusses his inner life – his creativity, challenges, loss, grief and guilt.  His storytelling in the book and his music provides a catalyst for healing, growth and transformation.  Nick and his wife Susie were devastated by the death of their 15 year old son, Arthur, in 2015.  He described the initial grief reaction of Susie and himself as a “kind of zombification” – “a kind of morbid worshipping of an absence”.

Nick indicated that there was a real danger in such grief reflected in “a reluctance to move beyond the trauma” – because the lost person resides there and that is where meaning is initially found.  He indicated that he experienced simultaneously being caught up in the “commonality of human suffering” and experiencing a deep sense of aloneness – a maddening and “extreme paradox”.  Nick stressed the physicality of grief describing grief as “pounding through my body with an audible roar”, accompanied by “despair bursting through the tips of my fingers”.  He also felt this “violent electricity” in the hand of his wife.  He indicated that both he and Susie were “unreachable” at the time, despite the very best intentions of other people.

Nick indicated that on the advice of a friend, he undertook a form of somatic healing.  He started the session lying down in a “euphoric” state.  Before long, he was consumed by rage and his body bucked and vibrated from the intensity of the feeling.  He observed that “you never really know what you are carrying around in you”.   Bessel van der Kolk reminds us that The Body Keeps the Score in his landmark book on “the brain and the body in the transformation of trauma”.

Nick’s son died while he was recording a new album, Skeleton Tree, with his Bad Seeds band members. Nick found it extremely difficult to tour to promote the album but a friend, New Zealand-born director Andrew Dominik, offered to produce a documentary along with release of the album.  The documentary, One More Time with Feeling, enabled Nick to tell his story of the trauma and grief he experienced on the death of his son.  On release of the album, the Guardian described it as “a masterpiece of love and devastation” and it debuted at #1 on the Australian Aria charts.

Over time, “fragments of light” were experienced by Susie and Nick amongst the incredible darkness of grief.  They were gradually able to see that people cared and that in this care and kindness lay recovery.  The healing influence of social support was brought home to Nick when he undertook his Skeleton Tree Tour in January 2017.  Nick indicated that he was depleted, exhausted and depressed before the tour and some of his band members were experiencing personal challenges too.   Collectively, they started the tour with “trepidation” because of their lack of energy while consumed by sadness.  However, Nick found that performing his songs (and story) on stage was “restorative” because of the “force field of the audience’s concern and awareness and love”.  Storytelling through the power of his songs became a source of healing and a way to manage his grief.

Nick indicated that  the “lifequake” of his son’s death brought home to him that suffering is the gateway to deep personal change, transition and transformation.    Suffering, especially grief, forces you to redefine yourself and to seek out a new meaning for your life and adopt a new perspective on what is important.

Compassionate action through grief

Grief can energise individuals to take compassionate action, e.g. the legislative reform actions for backpackers initiated by Rosie Ayliffe on the murder of her 21 year old daughter – a story told in her book, Far From Home.  Likewise, Nick was motivated to establish a website, Red Hand Files in 2018 where his fans could ask questions and seek answers from him.  The website transformed from a “Q & A” type activity to what Nick describes as an “exercise in communal vulnerability and transparency” and a “life-changing, soul-enriching exercise in commonality and togetherness”.  People who write to Nick via the website are able to share their stories and seek his comments and reassurance.  He readily participates in this mutual story telling and story-sharing.

Grief can flow from many types of losses.  It may be that a child loses their way and their personality through illicit drug use or end up in prison as a result of some criminal activity.  It may be, too, that a son or daughter chooses to change gender roles.  A recent post on the Red Hand Files highlights the associated sense of loss and grief of a parent when this occurs.  Nick’s sensitive response to this story highlights his understanding of loss and grief.  He talks of a parent’s sense of a loss of control and ,even worse, “a profound understanding that we never had control of them [our children] in the first place”.   Nick suggested that the greatest sacrifice a parent can make is to “let go”.  He appreciated that the parent and their offspring were able to find a “common bond” in his songs and readily agreed to the request to play O Children in Minnesota, dedicated to “Claude” as the newly named offspring.

Reflection

Storytelling can take many forms and lead to healing from grief – sharing the story adds another dimension in that it enables others to heal also. Nick talks about his songs being “a force” that “can make people better” or help them in some other way.  Storytelling involves transparency, personal disclosure and risk but the returns are health, healing and recovery.

As we grow in mindfulness and self-awareness, we can embrace our new reality after a loss and restore our sense of beauty and goodness in the world. 

There are many resources to help us deal with grief and trauma.  One of these is Dr. Bonnie Badenoch’s online course, Trauma and the Embodied Brain.

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Image by un-perfekt from Pixabay

By Ron Passfield – Copyright (Creative Commons license, Attribution–Non Commercial–No Derivatives)

Disclosure: If you purchase a product through this site, I may earn a commission which will help to pay for the website and resources to support the blog.

Tina Turner’s Approach to Mindfulness

Allyson Pimentel, psychologist and meditation practitioner/teacher,  fittingly provides a meditation podcast titled, The Mindfulness Teachings of Tina Turner.   Allyson describes mindfulness as “a way of attending to your life as it unfolds” while bringing to this awareness an attitude of “openness, friendliness, and kindness” without judgment.  Associated with this, is a willingness “to be with things as they are”.

She maintains that the goal in practising meditation is not to master the art of meditation itself but to lead better lives day-to-day though our groundedness, compassion and wisdom.  We do this so that we can become “a force for good” in our family, in our work, in our community and in our daily interactions.  Allyson maintains that Tina Turner, who died at the age of 83 in May 2023, exemplified this broader goal and drew on mindfulness practices to be a positive influence in people’s lives.  Allyson viewed Tina as a personal hero who, in her view, embodied kindness, love, wisdom, resilience and creative talent.

Tina’s approach to personal transformation

In her book, Happiness Becomes You: A Guide to Changing Your Life for Good, Tina explains her Buddhist approach and how she turned her life around after multiple “lifequakes” that threatened to derail her singing career and harm her mental wellbeing.  She explains in-depth that chanting enabled her to overcome adversity, develop resilience and realise happiness in her life.  Her ability to commune with nature from an early age enabled her to find her true home within, despite the turbulence and torment of her outer world.  Besides the vibrational energy and groundedness of chanting, Tina drew on the teachings of Nichiren Buddhism to transform and reframe her life.

Tina explains that this Buddhist approach, that places emphasis on engagement and social activism helped her to move beyond her comfort zone, to appreciate the connectedness of everything, to value diversity in nature and cultures and participate actively in the Beyond Music Project designed to use music as a way to respect and celebrate cultural diversity.

Tina saw experiencing adversity as a way to shape ourselves and build our resilience – in her words, adversity is not a bad thing in itself, it is how we use it that really matters.  She contended that adversity could build character, self-awareness, insight and a stronger sense of connection.  This perception aligns with the tenets of mindfulness that reinforce the view that while we have little in our life that we can control, we can control our response to what happens to us as well as around us.  Mitra Manesh in her podcast on responsibility contends that mindfulness builds our ability to respond to adversity and setbacks – she describes this outcome of mindfulness practice as developing our “response-ability”.

Tina explained in her book that all of life shapes us – the good, the bad and the ugly.  We become our transformed selves through the richness and diversity of our life experiences and by developing a constructive, creative and energetic response to whatever occurs.  She maintained in her eighties that she had no regrets – she had lived her life to the full, positively impacted numerous people all over the world and experienced deep happiness.

Reflection

Tina demonstrated in her life, music and her writing that as we grow in mindfulness we can overcome adversity, develop resilience, enrich our creativity and build the courage and sense of connectedness to take compassionate action.  Her life and music provide an invaluable legacy and a “ripple effect” that has the power to inspire others  to work to create a better world.

In her guided meditation podcast, Allyson draws on Tina’s core teachings to help us explore our connection with nature, the influence of our ancestors, our own legacy, and our present moment awareness.

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Image by Kanenori from Pixabay

By Ron Passfield – Copyright (Creative Commons license, Attribution–Non Commercial–No Derivatives)

Disclosure: If you purchase a product through this site, I may earn a commission which will help to pay for the site, the associated Meetup group, and the resources to support the blog.

A  Reflection on Writing the Grow Mindfulness Blog

This reflection was stimulated by Haruki Murakami’s book, Novelist As A Vocation, in which he shares his origins as a writer, his approach to writing and some of the challenges he has had to deal with along the way.  The ideas he shares resonate strongly with my own experience of writing this blog, even though this is not a novel but a very different writing genre.  The fact that the blog involves creativity and the art of writing provides the common ground to explore Murakami’s experience and ideas.

The creative stimulus

Murakami begins a novel with a basic story that evolves as he introduces his characters – he explains, “In most cases, the characters who appear in my novels naturally emerge from the flow of my story”.  The stimulus for his story is something he has observed happening, specific behaviours of an individual or an incident in his own life.   Like Charles Dickens, he is a keen observer of behaviour –    he maintains that the stimulus for a story comes from glancing at a person’s appearance, “how they talk and act, their special characteristics”.  He notes, too, that it is not enough just to notice people that you like – you also need to notice those you dislike and try to understand why you feel this way about them.

Like Murakami, my stimulus for a blog post is typically an interaction that I have had, a behaviour I have observed in my organisational consulting/manager development work, a current experience that I am having or something I have read or heard.  I often draw inspiration for a blog post from listening to a podcast, reading an article, or participating in a Summit or Conference.  I typically focus on current issues such as Long Covid, trauma, mental health and working from home – all the time exploring the linkages with mindfulness and mindfulness practices.

The role of characters/ stimulators

Interestingly, Murakami maintains that he does not start out with a highly developed character or group of characters.  He contends that characters emerge as he begins to write and becomes captured by the creative process that he enjoys immensely.  He goes so far as to say that “characters take on a life of their own”, even leading the novelist to an “unexpected destination”.

I can relate to these comments about characters by substituting the concept of the “stimulator” – the author, podcaster, interviewee or presenter who stimulates my creative endeavour to write a blog post about their ideas, actions or perspectives.  As the blog post emerges through my writing, the line of discussion or argument can take an unexpected turn as I often start out without a firm idea of where a blog post will end up.  For example, in my latest blog post I wrote about nurture by nature and stewardship of nature in our immediate environment and ended up where I least expected.

When I started out writing, these two aspects (nurture and stewardship) were discrete elements in my mind and that of the “stimulator”.  However, as I progressed with writing the post, I decided to add the ideas of Costa Georgiadis from his book, Costa’s World, as a way of reinforcing the message of the reciprocal relationship with nature – nurture and stewardship.  However, through Costa’s influence, I ended up changing my perspective and began to understand that by stewarding nature we are simultaneously opening ourselves up to nurturing by nature (e.g. restoration of peace and calm, stimulation of wonder and awe).  I came to understand that nurture and stewardship are not necessarily discrete activities (although they may be in certain circumstances).  Costa’s World is the bible for my current composting and gardening activities.

Drawing on stored memories

Murakami states that the characters he employs in his novel are not real people (and definitely not himself) but represent an amalgam of characters drawn from stored memories of people, experiences and places.  He weaves elements of different people into any one character to give them life and meaning in the context of what he is writing about.  He may draw directly on his own experience relevant to the topic but it is often well disguised.

When I write a blog post, I draw on my stored memory of what I have written previously (not just my current blog) and books/novels/memoirs I have read that reinforce some aspect of what I am writing about (or, alternatively that put forward a contrary view).  The blog post then tends to take on a life of its own and can arrive at a different place to what I intended at the outset.  Sometimes I will even incorporate poetry or songs (especially mantra meditations) if they add to, or reinforce, the overall message – there are many occasions, synchronistically, where a song I am listening to reinforces where I am up to in writing a blog post (I typically listen to mantra meditations as I write).  Examples of this are Alexa Chellun’s Healing Song and Metamorphosis by Lulu & Mischka.

Criticism and compliments

Murakami discusses one lesson that he has learnt as a professional writer – no matter what he writes or how long it is, someone will criticise his work.  He concluded that it was best to ignore these adverse comments and just “write what I want to write, in the way I want to write it”.  I can concur in this view because there is no way that you can please everyone.  This approach creates a unique sense of freedom (unlike the constrictions of academic writing!).

Murakami also noted that “people of different age groups” seem to be reading his novels – e.g. parents encourage children to read his books (or vice versa).  Compliments from people acknowledge the difference that his writing has made in their lives and hearing these comments “really cheers him up”.  I too really appreciate the compliment when people comment positively on my blog posts and/or seek a link to what they are working on that is relevant to the topic of my post.

Gestation and the creative process

Murakami adopts the discipline of daily writing because this enables creativity to flow.  He also employs a daily fitness routine which includes running (and sometimes marathons) – he maintains that you have to be fit to write for extended periods and physical activity stimulates the brain. 

Gestation for my blog posts begins with reading (e.g. Tina Turner’s book), listening to a podcast (e.g. Life Through Transitions by Jon DeWaal) or watching a video (e.g. the video interview with Susan Bolt).  I usually take notes and record any connections with something else I have written or remember – this enables me to expand my thinking beyond the original stimulus (and the stimulator’s perspective).   Typically, I will let my subconscious mind work on the topic overnight and begin afresh the next morning (being a “morning person”, I write best in the early mornings). I find that this gestation process usually leads to the emergence of a structure for my blog post and unearthing of connections that I had not previously thought of – these connections become “top-of-mind” rather than staying submerged.  I also try to keep fit through walking, Tai Chi and physical exercises designed to redress my spinal degeneration. 

Reflection

Murakami maintains that each person has to find their own style of writing, whether they are writing a novel, an essay or a short story.  The same is true of writing a blog – the writer’s life experience and perspectives, as well as the focus of the blog, influence the nature and structure of the writing process.

As I reflect on my life and my reading/listening/viewing, I am able to grow in mindfulness.  Like Murakami, I can attain a deeper level of self-awareness and new perspectives while enhancing my capacity to think and write.  Examples of my growing sense of self-awareness include my discussion of resentment and blind spots.

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Image by Cindy Lever from Pixabay

By Ron Passfield – Copyright (Creative Commons license, Attribution–Non Commercial–No Derivatives)

Disclosure: If you purchase a product through this site, I may earn a commission which will help to pay for the site, the associated Meetup group, and the resources to support the blog.

Developing a Reciprocal Relationship with Nature – Nurture and Stewardship

In the recent Nature Summit, Roshi Joan Halifax –writer, teacher, artist and activist – stressed the need for a reciprocal relationship with nature.  She suggests that too often mindfulness practitioners focus only on the nurture that they can obtain from nature but overlook the “imperative to steward where we are’ – to look after, and care for, nature in our immediate environment.  Joan contends that this reciprocal relationship is critical in our current challenging times when we are confronted by the devastation of climate change simultaneously with the ongoing global erosion of mental health.

Experiencing nurture in nature

Joan mentioned that she is “restored in the natural world” but not in the “constructed world” of cities.  However, she counsels against despising or devaluing the constructed world.   Nature surrounds us wherever we are.  Joan mentioned seeing a hawk nesting on the edge of a building in New York and visiting Central Park.  While these experiences of nature in the built environment are part of restoring our spirit, the depth of nurture achieved through immersion in the natural environment is of a different order and more pervasive and lasting.

Joan explains that in nature we can recapture the silence that the busy world of today has taken from us – we can access the power of stillness and silence to cultivate our creativity and our resilience.  Joan describes her mindful practice in the mountains of “just sitting in choiceless awareness” and gaining the restorative benefits of nature through this goal-less approach.  She explains how she sees mountains as “places of meditation’ and has learned to value “solitude in nature”.

Joan discussed how her work through the Nomads Clinic (a form of socially engaged Buddhism she established in 1980) brought her into contact not only with the Himalayas but also the people of remote places such as Nepal and Tibet.  She describes the Himalayan mountains as “very raw, very tough, very dangerous” and the people of these remote communities as “fantastic people, very robust, with a wonderful sense of humour”.  She acknowledges that the mountains and the mountain people have taught her much about “humour and resilience”.

Many mindfulness authors such as Louie Schwartzberg highlight the power of nature to stimulate wonder and awe in us.  Louie, in his Wonder & Awe podcast, shares the recent research of Michelle Shiota, that demonstrates that we become “better thinkers when we are feeling awe”.  In his talks and films, Louie stresses that nature induces healing and helps us to develop a sense of gratitude and appreciation that lead to happiness, health and profound joy.

Pamela Anderson, in her memoir Love, Pamela, describes nature as her friend and teacher. She states that she is “always curious and wants to know what nature is trying to teach” because to her “everything is a clue or a sign”.  Nature had always been a part of her life growing up on Vancouver Island and for her birthday each year she asked her two boys to volunteer with her at the California Wildlife Center – which involved cleaning birdcages and feeding birds and squirrels.   In line with this work Pamela and her family cared for a possum as well as pelicans and seals, even undertaking a marine mammal rescue course together.  

At one stage in her performing career she was exhausted in “mind, body and soul” and decided to spend a month reconnecting with her adult sons in Malibu and with nature.  She found that connecting with nature (including during her five-mile daily walks), along with  Pilates, enabled her to reconnect with her body and detox both physically and emotionally.  When she was at Café Sénéquier at Port de Saint Tropez in France (where she went to recover from an abusive relationship), she watched the sunrises and yachts in the harbour, while “luxuriating in my own blossoming life” – nature again elicits gratitude and appreciation.

There are many ways to engage the nurturing power of nature, to understand and appreciate our interconnectedness with nature and deepen our relationship with nature.  Louie Schwartzberg reminds us that we are able to widen and deepen our perspective on nature beyond our unique childhood experience and understanding.  One way to do this is to adopt the mindset of stewardship of nature.

Stewardship of nature

Joan Halifax stressed the “moral responsibility” to undertake stewardship of our immediate natural environment – in her words, “to steward, protect and restore”.  She argues that it is important to plant diverse species because diversity is “essential for the health of any ecosystem or social system”.  Her interviewer and founder of the Nature Summit, Mark Coleman, stated that we are currently experiencing “a painful time of degradation, loss of species and places that we love”.

Stewardship can involve many different environmental caring actions such as:

  1. Composting
  2. Planting trees
  3. Caring for pot plans (both exterior and interior plants)
  4. Growing herbs
  5. Planting native trees that attract birds and bees
  6. Providing shelter for birds and possums
  7. Creating gardens of diverse species
  8. Trimming dead leaves or branches
  9. Enriching our soil
  10. Cultivating worm farms
  11. Conscious consumption.

Costa Georgiadis in his book, Costa’s World, suggests that we take up gardening “for the soil, the soul and the suburbs” – in his view, nurture through nature and stewardship of nature are not discrete activities, they occur together.  He encourages us to be mindful of our immediate environment and get to know our microenvironment.

Pamela Anderson stressed her sense of being responsible for stewardship of nature in her home environment.  She luxuriates in her garden developed when she returned to Vancouver Island in her latter years.  Her first garden involving “five thousand feet of roses and vegetables” (planted by seed by herself) grew impressively.  She developed solar energy, a sustainable water management system and set about “re-wilding” her property – a concept involving complementing the natural environment and protecting what already exists. She immersed herself in her “Garden of Eden” and the “salty, earthy fragrance” of the sea.  Pamela attests to Costa’s perspective that nurture and stewardship go hand in hand and complement and reinforce each other.

Reflection

In his book, Coming to Our Senses: Healing Ourselves and the World through Mindfulness, Jon Kabat-Zin urges us to develop mindfulness through our senses.  He talks of the immediacy of our external environment – the soundscape, the touchscape, the tastescape, the smellscape and the sightscape.  Joan Halifax reminds us that nature provides the whole sensory experience – we can hear birds, touch plants, smell aromas from trees, taste native fruits, see the beauty and wonders of nature and feel the strength of the wind and the pressure on our bodies.

By spending time in nature and stewarding our immediate natural environment, we can grow in mindfulness and experience happiness and joy, peace and tranquility, gratitude and resilience.  Nature has many gifts to offer but it needs to be visited and cared for.  Micah Mortali offers ways to connect with nature in his book, Rewilding: Meditations, Practices and Skills for Awakening in Nature.

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Image by AndreasAux from Pixabay

By Ron Passfield – Copyright (Creative Commons license, Attribution–Non Commercial–No Derivatives)

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